Do you have any collections?
I have a collection of journals. I started to write in my first diary at the age of 12. My mom was the one that bought me this little purple diary with a lock on it. After that she would buy me one for Christmas if I asked for one. I would ask for them because it depends how much I wrote. I know right now I have about 24 books. I have also a prayer book, a poem book, dream book, and my love book.
Today I went through one of my journals. It’s funny the things we don’t remember and the things we choose to remember. In this specific book was a letter to my niece. Now the interesting part is I refer to another journal to her in this letter. I wrote it in 2012 and speak of the other journal that I assume I wrote during my time being sick.
I speak of asking her to read the journals of my life to truly understand what I have been through. I even speak about a memory I don’t have in my mind. But the memory was written in the journal at the time. I tell her of the specific memory about a night that it was raining and thundering hard and she said let us pray. “Let us ask God to stop the rain and thunder.” Apparently that’s exactly what we did, and sure enough it had stopped raining and thundering. She tells me “let’s pray again and thank God for stopping the rain and thunder.”
I speak about the memory and reference to it as how close we were and go on about my sickness.
The actual reason I speak about it now, while reading that I thought to myself how much was my choice to not remember. It’s clear I was in the right mind in that particular letter. Yet the memory isn’t there of me ever writing this letter. How weird is it as humans we experience so much but don’t remember so many of the things we experience. We tell the same stories but without remembering all the details of the stories.
In this letter I beg her to read from one of the many journals I have of my life. I tell her to read the brown journal because in that journal I speak about her so much. It’s weird when all your memories are gone and you go back to read things you don’t remember writing.
I am extremely grateful that even though I lost so many of my memories, my journals are my archive. Maybe one day I will write a book completely based on those journals. It seems there are so many things that I experienced and don’t know about. I guess that was always the purpose behind journaling. You write what you feel in the moment. Years later that moment is gone but the memories, the pain, the thoughts you had are there written for you to see again.
I believe I was 12 years old when my mom gave me my first journal. I never thought my life would take so many turns. I am just grateful that it’s written in books I can go back to. Even if the memories aren’t there, I can still read them as if they were. Like going back in time I feel the memory like it’s just a dream.
What book are you reading right now?
I am trying to read the second book Dune messiah just have not had time.
I feel so stupid when we talk. Not because I can’t talk to you but because you make me feel dumb. You say I spin in circles and you are right. I try so hard not to but I am trying to fix that and make it right. I hate the feeling of disappointment I hear in your voice. I hate feeling like no matter what I do you I will never be your choice. I hate that I care. I hate that I become jealous for reasons I can’t explain. I hate that when I talk to you I feel safe. I hate that when I say something you get so mad. I especially hate when you make me laugh. I want to stay mad but can’t. I want to hate you but I can’t. I hate to care and think of you all the time. I know you don’t have feelings but that doesn’t change mine. Lost in the deep sea of reflection. Darkness consuming my mind. Trying to escape in the incoming flood. Lost in the sea of your non existent callous heart. ~Emma~
Today has been an extremely busy day for me. I am working on like 4 different projects. I would like to say that keeping as busy as I am now, does distract me from feeling anything. Which I would like to say is a good thing for the moment. Sometimes the best way to keep from thinking or dwelling on something is to keep busy. So if you are having a rough day just remember you aren’t alone. Many feel the way you feel. Just try to focus on one blessing today. One victory no matter how small it may be. You can get through this day you just need to believe in yourself. Have a beautiful blessed day. ~Emma~
So tomorrow I will finish putting up my Christmas decorations for the outside. I will probably start the inside but I am going to try and sneak in a podcast and tell y’all how the adventures of my vacation to florida were. But we shall see. Don’t forget I posted videos on TikTok and Instagram. Karen the Mïzfït also joined in on the fun so please check them out. We will be starting our Game of Thrones review and might even include our time watching Yellowstone. We shall give our input on that also. We might even speak about our trip so tune in this week we will have the episodes up. ~Emma~
The Widow
Lying in bed with a broken heart trying to understand why I am the way I am
Looking to the right and staring at a blank wall with nothing to say
Looking to the left and staring at the pictures that once hung there
Happy faces and smiles from time shared gone bye
How do I escape the pain from not having you here?
How do I fill this empty bed where you use to lay?
I feel my throat closing as I try to breathe in the last scent of you
The sheets still hold the faint smell of us
How do I escape the touch I need so much?
How do I free my mind from the prison I sit in now?
Tears stain my red cheeks
Sadness grabs a hold of me
My breathing becomes labored
How can I get you back?
I stare at the ceiling the sun shines through the blinds
But all I feel is the pain of not having you by my side
Tell me how can I live in a world you no longer live in
How can I go on without you?
I will do anything to get you back
But I know the one place I cannot get you from is the one place you belong
I turn to the dark side of the bed and hold the pillows tight
Knowing in heaven you will be alright
Written by:
Emmanuelle-Rose Grace
It has been a very difficult year for me especially the last five months. I did not notice I had gone into a depression until I was in the middle of it. I am working hard with my books and creating content, so I really thought I was fine. It wasn’t till about around my birthday that I realized, I was not just depressed, I was extremely depressed. I have joined group therapy again which is helping me a lot. I am trying some new coping skills to try and change my behavior. The fact that I didn’t even notice I was going through a depression is extremely alarming to me. I can’t afford to allow it to take me over. I spent over 10 years fighting a very dark depression. So, for me being proactive is the only way I can keep myself from falling that deep again. Therapy has always been my go to, coloring, writing, working out all kept me focus. I really thought with the busy schedule, I was doing much better. Now I realized I wasn’t. Why share this? Simple you are not alone. I was so busy trying to focus on the future, what I was doing and how to get there. I wasn’t taking the time to focus on myself. You need to focus on yourself not just work, not just the future and what you want to do. Being proactive when you know you suffer from any mental illness will keep you from losing complete control. It’s important to establish ways to cope and find help when you need it. I made my appointments, told my family and I am going to each session. It is not something I can afford to lose control of, so today I decided to share that with you. Don’t be afraid to fall and seek help when needed. It is not weak to ask for help or find help for yourself. Remember fighting mental illness is a fight that never stops. You wake up, it is part of you and you have to learn to fight it every day. No day will be easy, no day will be lite, each day is worth fighting for. Some people don’t have that battle but it is my battle and if it is your battle don’t give up. You are not alone no matter how many times you feel alone. Keep fighting because each day is worth living. ~~Emma~~
Storms Wrath
Her heart breaks at his words
Crushing the red dried roses that were once hers
Leaving nothing but dark red broken petals falling towards the grass
As the she lets out a howl from deep within
Crushed by his hateful words of deceit
The stab wounds going deep in her soul
She goes blue like a chill from winter’s brutal cold
Pain freezing her every thought
As her heart stops beating so damn hard
Tears staining her face with marks
She tries to understand what came her way
Lost for words with nothing left to say
Falling to the ground, she grabs the wounds on her way
His words of hate, breaking her once beautiful face
Written by: Emmanuelle-Rose Grace
Blue Rose
She tries hard to forget the words that made her feel all alone
Her pulse speeds up trying to catch air into her lungs
Why did she allow him in her heart?
She knows he was dangerous from the start
She thinks of all the mistakes she has done
One after the other she tries to shake all the thoughts
The cruelty in his words
The lies he told
Made her feel safe within his embrace
She stares in the mirror at her face
Wondering who is standing in her place
She tries to remember the girl she once was
The way her smile and laughter lite the room
Her presence was something to behold
Or at least that is what she was told
Her eyes filled with tears
The smug of black that stain her red cheeks
Her heart has been torn out of her chest
She tries to breath out but her lungs forget
Slowly she falls to the floor
Darkness takes a hold of her and she is no more
She screams in pain but doesn’t make a sound
Death was the only escape she sought
Written by: Emmanuelle-Rose Grace
Emma the Mizfit 