It’s been a struggle for me the last few months with the ups and downs of the bipolar. I have decided again to try and find another therapist and try to find another group therapy to get into. I know I was doing much better during that time period but the program was cut because of funds. Ofc as we know mental health is the first program that get cut in the health industry. Especially when the state is making decisions as to where money goes. It’s been something I have struggled with for the last 2 years mainly because of the fact that my psychiatrist of many years died in 2020 and my therapist died two years ago. Bipolar ppl don’t deal good with changes and this year losing my another good therapist due to funding in hospital program along with my group therapy that I attended weekly. Adding the loss of my dog, uncle and losing friends. So for a few months the lack of therapy has definitely taken a toll and finally I have no choice but to try and find myself both. Without any therapy I will end up spiraling completely out of control so I know I must get back to the basics and find another. Unfortunately it’s not easy and exhausting to constantly look for another group or even just a good therapist. I write this blog to vent my frustrations with just the whole process and lack of help that is out there for myself and ppl like me. People wonder why there is such a crisis when it comes to mental health, I don’t. I know the main problems but unfortunately I cannot solve them. I have tried endlessly to speak out but no one actually wants to help the mental health community or the effects it has on people. They just don’t care. As in life we must choose to either get ourselves up or let life devour us. I know my story seems silly but unfortunately it’s the truth. I at least have my faith in God which is unwavering. So I know in the end I still hold onto hope. I hope if you read this and have no hope you find some strength inside yourself, ask God for help but do ask for help. hope you have a blessed weekend.
Tag: words
Bear my feelings
Describe an item you were incredibly attached to as a youth. What became of it?
I have a Winnie the Pooh bear that was given to me I believe it was my first boyfriend but I don’t really remember who gave it to me. Regardless during my sickness and my darkest time Winnie was always there with me. Every night I went to bed he slept next to me. When I was hospitalized, when I traveled Winnie was always with me. It’s been a couple of years since he has slept with me hugging him but he still is in my room. I think he was my security blanket. When I had horrible dreams he was the one I held tight to. He was my comfort, he is so old and worn from being washed his colors have faded but he is still my favorite bear. When I am down I will still hug him to make myself feel better.
By Olivia Rodrigo
“traitor”
Brown guilty eyes and little white lies
Yeah, I played dumb but I always knew
That you talked to her, maybe did even worse
I kept quiet so I could keep you
And ain’t it funny
How you ran to her
The second that we called it quits?
And ain’t it funny
How you said you were friends?
Now it sure as hell don’t look like it
You betrayed me
And I know that you’ll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah
You talked to her
When we were together
Loved you at your worst
But that didn’t matter
It took you two weeks
To go off and date her
Guess you didn’t cheat
But you’re still a traitor
Now you bring her around
Just to shut me down
Show her off like she’s a new trophy
And I know if you were true
There’s no damn way that you
Could fall in love with somebody that quickly
Ain’t it funny
All the twisted games
All the questions you used to avoid?
Ain’t it funny?
Remember I brought her up
And you told me I was paranoid
You betrayed me
And I know that you’ll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah
You talked to her
When we were together
Loved you at your worst
But that didn’t matter
It took you two weeks
To go off and date her
Guess you didn’t cheat
But you’re still a traitor
God, I wish that you had thought this through
Before I went and fell in love with you
When she’s sleeping in the bed we made
Don’t you dare forget about the way
You betrayed me
‘Cause I know that you’ll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah
You talked to her
When we were together
You gave me your word
But that didn’t matter
It took you two weeks
To go off and date her
Guess you didn’t cheat
But you’re still
You’re still a traitor
Yeah, you’re still a traitor
God, I wish that you had thought this through
Before I went and fell in love with you
Pro life
How have your political views changed over time?
As I have gotten older I have become more conservative. When I was younger g I wouldn’t say I was super liberal but somewhat. As time has passed my views changed. Especially when it came to abortion. The fact that the baby isn’t even considered a human being makes me extremely sad. Many women never get the chance to have a child of their own and you have some women just aborting babies. I am sorry if it comes off as judgmental but the killing of an innocent child should never be celebrated or praised as a good thing. Becoming a warrior for Christ meant defending the innocent. I don’t wish harm on others especially those that have committed such acts. That is between them and God. But as long as I have breath I will continue advocating as a pro-lifer and one that advocates for the mentally ill.
Dancing to a puppy tune
What was the last thing you did for play or fun?
The last thing I did for fun was dance to Christmas music with three dogs trying to jump on me. They danced at my legs trying to climb on me. It was so nice and fun to just dance in the living room with all their little faces looking at me. I did it today by the way, and it was epic. 🤣🐶❤️
Not really
Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.
Well if it has to be someone that I have never met per as without a spiritual connection it would have to be Jesus Christ. He gives me the direction I must go. Fills my heart when I am sad and hopeless. He gives me hope that no matter how dark times maybe He will always be by my side. As for a man not counting Jesus Christ, a few have come and gone that have left impressions and lessons I have learned from them. But to be honest I have never met anyone other than Jesus that has positively influenced my life. Again don’t get me wrong few have come and helped me to grow into a better person. But if I weigh that against how they made me feel or the way the spoke to me or treated me, it would be a hard not enough to justify them being in my life at all.
Better
Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?
Surprisingly it’s better than I pictured my life a year ago. Things might not be perfect or even going the way I planned but it is good. Life is good. For that I am grateful to God for allowing me another year of life and the endless blessings he has bestowed upon me.
Passion
What is something others do that sparks your admiration?
When someone is speaking about something they are passionate about. You don’t even have to understand everything they say the fact they feel so passionate about it you can feel it with every word they say.
Random thoughts
I try hard to keep up. You have never made it easy so I gave up. Time has lost all its luster and my feelings are dead. I stop caring after learning you can careless. It’s like the quote goes from How I met your mother…
“You may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face, but there’s a third option: you can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone, and you can move forward.” – Ted Mosby
Cry for love : The Mary Onettes
Because of your mother
I can’t seem to forget
That our love is a trembling one
And healthy to my soul
Because of your father
You’ve got a hole in your trust
And when I see you hide it I wish I could
Remove it from your heart
In silence I make promises
I’m lying still in the dark
And because of your peaceful soul
I keep thinking to myself
Don’t, don’t, don’t cry for love
Cry for love
Don’t, don’t, don’t cry for love
Cry for love
Don’t you cry for love
It’s a part of our path
Think about the way
Things were left to be
It’s a raging sea
And colors that you won’t be
Here to see
And it’s just a matter of time
Till they put me in the grave
Till they put you in the grave
So I don’t, don’t, don’t, cry for love
I don’t cry for love
Emma the Mizfit 