To the One with No Name

I don’t think about you anymore. I know it’s hard for you to comprehend. I no longer care to have the same worthless conversations about my flaws and shortcomings. I am not perfect never pretended to be anything other than myself.

You are the one that pretended to be someone you aren’t. So I go to bed with my conscience completely clear. I don’t pretend to be something I am not.

I am a difficult person to love and even more difficult to understand. I am fiercely loyal and willing to move mountains for those whom I love. I am upfront and don’t lie about my feelings. I am not fake and will never try to fit into a role because someone else thinks I should. I have my own personal opinions about politics. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour, I will never apologize for that.

I am completely confident in myself. I know I am constantly growing and learning from my mistakes and experiences in life. I can’t apologize for the past because it doesn’t exist for me. I know you can’t understand that and I won’t try to explain it.

I used to think maybe one day you would realize that. That I would always be there for you even in the darkest times of life. But I have mourned our relationship and have buried it.

Just as the dead cannot speak, we move on. The future is before us, will our paths cross again maybe, maybe not. Either way I hold no grudges towards you. You are in very long list of memories or times I no longer visit. Tucked away like a bookmark in a page of a book I will never read again. Always~Emma~

Don’t be Used

Don’t allow yourself to used. People will always take for granted the things you do. Especially if it is something that you do all the time. It might be something so small they don’t really notice at all that you do it constantly for them.

Now I don’t mean not doing things for others because you expect something in return, no that is not what I am saying. Usually the little things turn into bigger things. Things that are much more time consuming and the more you take on, I just ask one thing.

Does that person appreciate the time you spend on them? I don’t mean by meaningless words but by actions. I have seen people both women and men do things for others that is completely ignored. They aren’t appreciated for the time they lost or for the effort they put into that time.

So my question still remains are you appreciating those around you that do the little things or big things you don’t notice? If not take some time to let them know that you appreciate them for all they do to make your life easier.

Also for those of you that aren’t bring appreciated, give it time but not too much time. Some people will never appreciate what they have. So my advice is don’t waste time on people that do not appreciate you.

It’s one thing to allow people to grow but we all know some people will never grow. They aren’t appreciated fundamentally broken inside and would rather use you than actually cherish you. So again walk away.

Life is too short and too precious to waste time on someone that only cares about themselves. Not everyone is bad but not everyone deserves the benefit of doubt.

Listen to your instincts they are usually right. Trust me I get how hard it is to be alone in this world. But it is better to be alone than around people that suck the life out of you like vampires. God created you with a purpose find out what that purpose is and go after it.

Growing is learning from our mistakes and not repeating bad behaviors of the past. I pray whoever reads this finds the courage and strength to overcome their situation. I pray God may guide you through whatever you face. May He be the light you need on your path.

Remember God wants a relationship with you. You just have to be willing to spend time together and let him show you the way. I pray you have a beautiful blessed week. ~Emma~

Thank God

Thank you God for waking me up this morning. Thank you for the new day with endless possibilities. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for everything You have bestowed upon me. I am not worthy of you, All Praise to You my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Surrounded

Even while sitting by people whom you love doesn’t change the fact they don’t see you. Doesn’t matter how many times you have spoken to them you are still invisible.

I am used to people being this way around me. Doesn’t change how much it still hurts. While also making me stronger for each and every single encounter that comes along.

People surround themselves with people just to stop the silence. But I find in the silence I am more comfortable. Is that good thing? I don’t really have the answer for that. I do it makes me more comfortable in who I am and not whom others expect me to be.

It’s extremely important to learn about yourself while also learning to be comfortable around others. Life is never going to go your way. So it’s best to learn how much you care and how much you don’t.

That doesn’t mean closing everyone off. We need people in our lives. We are built for community. So learning to be alone and learning to be comfortable around others in silence is also good.

One must learn that sometimes just being there can be a blessing. Never stop being the person God made you. Never stop growing and learning from the life He has given you. Smile and filled with gratitude always. ~Emma~

Hope

It should never shock me how cruel people can be but somehow it always shocks me. In the times we live in, it’s extremely easy to become complacent with our environment. One can become completely desensitized at every thing around them. No matter how evil or horrific the stories we hear, we still live our lives unchanged. Getting up each morning, and moving through life like it’s just another day.

Each morning I create a vlog. I post it on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Facebook. To everyone else it seems dumb and stupid to post the same greeting each time. It goes “Good morning you wonderful amazing beautiful people I hope you woke up thanking God for the wonderful day He has bestowed on upon you.”

Each day it’s the same I change it up but it’s mostly the same greeting each day. I just want to spread words of comfort to anyone who may come across my story. I don’t care if they subscribe, like, or even care about me. I want them to remember to thank God for the beautiful day of life God has given them.

No matter how cruel and evil the world we might live in. I want everyone to start the day with a grateful heart. No matter how small it might be, it will always make a difference in someone else’s day. I might not be the biggest person on TikTok, YouTube or any other platform but for me making those videos not only helps me, they help to speak to others.

Just a simple post to remind others you are not alone. You might feel alone. You might feel lost. You might feel like complete 💩. You might feel helpless. You might feel hopeless. I once felt that way and with each post I hope anyone that comes across them feels my hope. I know I can’t change the world but hopefully they can feel my hope through the screen.

So as I write this I pray that whoever may come across this may find God. God is my hope without Him I would be nothing. He gave me hope when I felt nothing. He gave me hope when I had given up. He gave hope when I declared that my life was worth nothing. He gave me hope and I pray He bestows every single person that comes across my videos or this post, with HOPE.

Times may not always be good but with God there is always hope. So even if every one is cruel and evil, hope for better day. ~Emma~

Pain & Suffering

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

Suffering and pain have helped me to grow the most in life. From not getting married after being proposed to so many times, having no kids, to not even get into relationship for years after the darkest sickest time in my life.

It is through suffering and pain we learn the most about ourselves. In the midst of that darkness, I learned that not giving up makes you stronger.

Many years of absolute darkness, suffering and pain gave me a new perspective. Living in the present was developed after years of struggle with the past. But nothing is more powerful than being able to suffer and changing your life.

Learning to let go of things one can’t change and learning to grow into a better version.

I am incredibly grateful to have been able to go through so many difficult times. If I never experienced that suffering, I would not be the person I am now. I’m grateful to God to have let me suffer so one day I could shine bright.

Blessings are the fruit of life. They are to be enjoyed throughout the bitterness and sweetness of life.~Emma~

Letting you in

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

The thing I am scared to do the most is to allow people into my heart. Time after time, I have a lot of people in my heart, but never really given my heart away. I built this wall around myself. I know it’s been there. Maybe it’s protecting myself from the bad things that I have experienced.

But as I’ve grown more comfortable being myself, I’ve also learned that in order to truly have a good relationship with another person, you open yourself and be willing to get hurt.

As the years have gone by, I’ve learned to understand what I like about a man while also learning to be more open, act like a grownup and learning a relationship is a partnership you give and take but always have each other’s backs. I wanna be honest, I wanna connect intellectually. I want to feel more than just a connection.

I want him to teach me new things while also learning how to grow together as one. This has been a scary thought for many years. I have thought I had fallen but the truth is I always hid a piece of myself and was never really honest. I hope the day comes I can find someone to be myself around.

Can’t sleep

I am writing this at three in the morning. Today was a really good day. I can’t complain, but I can’t sleep. I worked out, went to PT, did acupuncture, it really was a good day. I mean every day that you’re alive is a good day isn’t it?

Unfortunately sleeping is my biggest problem right now. My dreams have been filled with nightmares of darkness. I get the same ones over and over.

Most of my dreams are centered around seeing things I shouldn’t see. I am usually walking in the city. There are flames and fires everywhere, there are dead bodies all over the place. Everything is destroyed in that and there I am just walking in the midst of all that chaos and destruction. It’s a dream that I’ve had over and over again. I don’t know why I have it yet I dream it over and over again.

Sometimes I wonder if they will ever stop. Right after I start thinking that I get like five dreams in a row crazy dreams. It’s funny because so many people I ask “do you dream” and their answer is always “no”. When I go to bed the moment I fall asleep I am dreaming all night from dream to dream to dream. Hopefully tonight I get to sleep, even if it’s dream and dream and dream.

I hope tonight you have wonderful dreams always ~Emma~

Liberation day 

Today was the Inauguration of President Trump. After four years under the Biden administration it finally feels good to be free from him. This isn’t about being a Republican or Democrat it was about being American. I was so tired of trying to explain why I am proud being American.

People from every nation are proud of their homeland, this is my homeland. I am not embarrassed where I come from nor should I be. People are taught to hate themselves for what? I can never understand why you would listen to anyone tell you to hate yourself.

As a person that suffered a devastating severe depression that left me in a mind prison for 10 years. When I was finally freed, thanks to God, it took me forever to feel like myself. As I grow each day not looking back at the past, I learn to be more comfortable in myself.

So again why would I listen to anyone that tells me I need to hate myself. Not only hate myself but also I need to fit in the boxes they decided to make. No thank you, I like being myself. I don’t need to fit into the box you have created for me to live in.

As a Christian I love everyone but I don’t need to be around everyone, nor do I have to accept everyone. Just like everyone doesn’t have to love me or accept me. It’s God I follow, it’s God that I have to answer to, it’s God who saved me from the darkness and it was God that saved Trump.

Was it to save the United States from the insanity it was going through, I do believe that. Regardless of how, Trump was saved to be used by God, that was His plan.

In the end I am just absolutely happy the madness of 100 genders, offending people by just being myself is done. So for me today isn’t just another Inauguration Day, for me it’s a day to celebrate my country. I may have ancestors from Spain but my country is America, my blood is American and my heart is for America.

So to all my fellow patriots I hope you have a beautiful night celebrating winning our country back. Make America Great Again!

Happy New Year

I am praying everyone has a beautiful blessed new year. May God bless you all with love, joyous moments with the people you love, and a healthy year ahead. Stay well my darlings. ~Emma~