Tag: saddness

New Poetry…

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

The Widow

Lying in bed with a broken heart trying to understand why I am the way I am

Looking to the right and staring at a blank wall with nothing to say

Looking to the left and staring at the pictures that once hung there

Happy faces and smiles from time shared gone bye

How do I escape the pain from not having you here?

How do I fill this empty bed where you use to lay?

I feel my throat closing as I try to breathe in the last scent of you

The sheets still hold the faint smell of us

How do I escape the touch I need so much?

How do I free my mind from the prison I sit in now?

Tears stain my red cheeks

Sadness grabs a hold of me

My breathing becomes labored

How can I get you back?

I stare at the ceiling the sun shines through the blinds

But all I feel is the pain of not having you by my side

Tell me how can I live in a world you no longer live in

How can I go on without you?

I will do anything to get you back

But I know the one place I cannot get you from is the one place you belong

I turn to the dark side of the bed and hold the pillows tight

Knowing in heaven you will be alright

Written by:

Emmanuelle-Rose Grace

Today…

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

Some days I just want to give up. Some days I can fight the world.

Some days I just want to be left alone.

Today I wake up with hope that things are going to get better.

Grateful for the blessings and struggles.

Keep fighting the good fight.

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

But today you can make a difference even if tomorrow never comes.

Have a beautiful blessed day.

~Emma~

Can’t sleep

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I am writing this at 4:23 in the morning. I can’t sleep and I am trying hard. It seems even with the medication to make me fall asleep my mind doesn’t seem to want to shut off. Skipping sleep really isn’t an option for me. The more days I go without sleeping the easier for my grip on reality will start to shift. No one ever really knows how easily it is for a bipolar person to slip, it’s the little details such as not sleeping for days. It definitely leads to a spiral. And unless you have dealt with it personally or know someone that has you have no clue. And the truth is most ppl have no clue. I am going to keep trying to use a different coping skill to help me try and relax. Wish me luck. Nite. ~Emma~

how I am doing…

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

It has been a very difficult year for me especially the last five months. I did not notice I had gone into a depression until I was in the middle of it. I am working hard with my books and creating content, so I really thought I was fine. It wasn’t till about around my birthday that I realized, I was not just depressed, I was extremely depressed. I have joined group therapy again which is helping me a lot. I am trying some new coping skills to try and change my behavior. The fact that I didn’t even notice I was going through a depression is extremely alarming to me. I can’t afford to allow it to take me over. I spent over 10 years fighting a very dark depression. So, for me being proactive is the only way I can keep myself from falling that deep again. Therapy has always been my go to, coloring, writing, working out all kept me focus. I really thought with the busy schedule, I was doing much better. Now I realized I wasn’t. Why share this? Simple you are not alone. I was so busy trying to focus on the future, what I was doing and how to get there. I wasn’t taking the time to focus on myself. You need to focus on yourself not just work, not just the future and what you want to do. Being proactive when you know you suffer from any mental illness will keep you from losing complete control. It’s important to establish ways to cope and find help when you need it. I made my appointments, told my family and I am going to each session. It is not something I can afford to lose control of, so today I decided to share that with you. Don’t be afraid to fall and seek help when needed. It is not weak to ask for help or find help for yourself. Remember fighting mental illness is a fight that never stops. You wake up, it is part of you and you have to learn to fight it every day. No day will be easy, no day will be lite, each day is worth fighting for. Some people don’t have that battle but it is my battle and if it is your battle don’t give up. You are not alone no matter how many times you feel alone. Keep fighting because each day is worth living. ~~Emma~~

My mood right now— Happier Than Ever by: Billie Eilish

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When I’m away from you, I’m happier than ever
Wish I could explain it better
I wish it wasn’t true
Give me a day or two to think of something clever
To write myself a letter
To tell me what to do, mm-mmm

Do you read my interviews?
Or do you skip my avenue? (My avenue)
When you (when you) said you were passing through
Was I even on your way?
I knew when I asked you to (when I asked you to)
Be cool about what I was telling you
You’d do the opposite of what you said you’d do (what you said you’d do)
And I’d end up more afraid

Don’t say it isn’t fair
You clearly weren’t aware that you made me miserable
So if you really wanna know

When I’m away from you (when I’m away from you)
I’m happier than ever (happier than ever)
Wish I could explain it better (wish I could explain it better)
I wish it wasn’t true (wish it wasn’t true), mmm-hmm

You call me again, drunk in your Benz
Driving home under the influence
You scared me to death, but I’m wasting my breath
‘Cause you only listen to your fucking friends
I don’t relate to you
I don’t relate to you, no
‘Cause I’d never treat me this shitty
You made me hate this city

And I don’t talk shit about you on the internet
Never told anyone anything bad
‘Cause that shit’s embarrassing, you were my everything
And all that you did was make me fucking sad

So don’t waste the time I don’t have
And don’t try to make me feel bad
I could talk about every time that you showed up on time
But I’d have an empty line ’cause you never did
Never paid any mind to my mother or friends
So I shut ’em all out for you ’cause I was a kid

You ruined everything good
Always said you were misunderstood
Made all my moments your own
Just fucking leave me alone

Storms Wrath

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Storms Wrath

Her heart breaks at his words

Crushing the red dried roses that were once hers

Leaving nothing but dark red broken petals falling towards the grass

As the she lets out a howl from deep within

Crushed by his hateful words of deceit

The stab wounds going deep in her soul

She goes blue like a chill from winter’s brutal cold

Pain freezing her every thought

As her heart stops beating so damn hard

Tears staining her face with marks

She tries to understand what came her way

Lost for words with nothing left to say

Falling to the ground, she grabs the wounds on her way

His words of hate, breaking her once beautiful face

Written by: Emmanuelle-Rose Grace

Blue Rose

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Blue Rose

She tries hard to forget the words that made her feel all alone

Her pulse speeds up trying to catch air into her lungs

Why did she allow him in her heart?

She knows he was dangerous from the start

She thinks of all the mistakes she has done

One after the other she tries to shake all the thoughts

The cruelty in his words

The lies he told

Made her feel safe within his embrace

She stares in the mirror at her face

Wondering who is standing in her place

She tries to remember the girl she once was

The way her smile and laughter lite the room

Her presence was something to behold

Or at least that is what she was told

Her eyes filled with tears

The smug of black that stain her red cheeks

Her heart has been torn out of her chest

She tries to breath out but her lungs forget

Slowly she falls to the floor

Darkness takes a hold of her and she is no more

She screams in pain but doesn’t make a sound

Death was the only escape she sought

Written by: Emmanuelle-Rose Grace

To my old clan- Adieu

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Adieu

There are no words I can say that will ever make this okay.

There are no words to ever be told to make the truth ever sound sweet.

Lessons are learned from the mistakes we’ve made.

Lies and deceit are ever so instant nowadays.

Loyalty and love dead at the scene.

Words upon the alter sacrificed and slaughtered at your feet.

My love for you upon that slab beaten and battered.

I will take my memories, walk away, while my tears fall and splatter.

But remember one thing it was you I chose day after day.

With nothing left to say sweet goodbye are the last words you will hear me say. —Mizfit Queen aka Emma

Written by: Emmanuelle-Rose Grace

Love letters-Always the Huntress

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Dear Sweet Love,

                  I wonder what you are doing right now. So much time has passed since our last real conversation. A year has gone by it seems like time flies right by. I could tell you so much has happened but I know we no longer share any connection. I used to think that maybe life would bring us back together, but if wishes were fishes we would all live in the sea. I am trying hard to forget everything you made me feel. I know it’s for the best and if I am honest with myself I know you did me the favor. You knew I would not be able to let go, so you did it for me. I will never be able to thank you for what you did but I am so grateful. Thank you for knowing me better than I knew myself. The year has been filled with tears, heartache, and pain but it has also been filled with lots of new adventures. Learning to fly is exactly what I needed to do. I will be forever grateful for falling in love with you. Moving forward I look at our time fondly but no longer want to repeat the time spent together. My heart no longer aches for you. I miss your laugh, smile and countless times we spent talking. You even make guest appearances in my dreams. Thank you for being the person I needed and for being the friend that let me go. I look forward to my future and know our paths will never cross again. You will always have a place in my heart even if we never see each other again. My dear sweet darling, I wish you nothing but love and the best.

                                    Always the Huntress

Written by: Emmanuelle-Rose Grace

Take some time…

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

I spend my Friday nights at home. Shocking I know, I also know what one might think “that’s insane, you’re young go out and have fun”! Yes that might sound appealing to many out there but it’s not appealing to me. From Friday sundown to Saturday sundown I rest. Yes just like the Jewish nation of the Old Testament. I am not Jewish I am Christian but I keep the Sabbath. For me it is a way to unplug from the chaos, the outside world and spend time with The Creator. I don’t watch tv, go on the computer, I don’t go reading any articles online, I don’t even touch my phone, wait that’s a lie I listen to music through the phone so yeah I touch my 📱 phone but that’s it. I read the Bible, different books, listen to gospel music 🎶 soft classical music 🎶 and I just unplug! I am not perfect, I am sinner and I don’t even try and pretend to be “good”. I am a girl just trying to survive in a world, a society that tells her to conform or else. So my words today are take time to unplug. Spend 24hrs no tv, no phone, no computer, no restaurant, no going out to hang with friends at a bar, just unplug. Take time out that is why God made the Sabbath not only to show He was The Creator (one of the main reasons) but also for man. He knew what man was capable of. Work, work, work, play, play, play but what about rest? Take that time out each week to unplug and you will see soon, how happier you are for it.