I was going to write my blog today but decided to make a video about it. So stay tuned.
Tag: saddness
Pretending to be okay
Even when people think you are the happiest doesn’t hide the tears in your heart. Even with all the smiles we try to pretend everything is okay, even if we feel like we can’t go on. They say time heals all wounds but it’s hard to believe when your chest is bleeding on the floor. It’s hard to truly believe anyone will ever be by your side, when you look and don’t see a soul around you. I know how hard it is to stay positive and on my down days that is how I feel. That is how I feel at this moment. Completely and utterly useless, it’s hard to pretend to be fine when you feel that way. It’s hard to talk, it’s hard to think, it’s hard to explain, it’s hard to exist. But we cannot give up because the enemy wins. At the end of the day, we need to keep fighting to stay calm and in the light. It is through the light we find a little bit of peace. ~Emma~
Just enjoying the moment
There aren’t many movies that just bring joy when I get into a bad mood. There are some movies that I have depending on the mood, that just brighten my day. One of those movies that does make me happy just watching it every single time is Grease. The music, the singing, the dancing and just the story as silly as the movie might be, it is so much fun to watch. I know in today’s standards with all the “problematic” things some people will easily point out. But for me every single time I watch it, it just brings a huge smile to my face. That is what the movies are supposed to do. Take you out of your mind for a moment and enjoy something that might be silly but is absolutely beautiful to watch. ~Emma~
Positive Christmas turn
Last night was fun and today is peaceful. I am grateful to have my family that accepts me even at my worst. I knew the other day I lashed out it had been a while since I went so down so fast. Maybe it was being sick and down that drove to lose control so easily. But the truth is I still need to find better coping skills to keep me ahead of the twists and turns. Life is extremely unpredictable and I need to learn to cope with I can control which is myself. There will always be a trigger always something will change my moods. It’s learning and finding new ways to adapt to the chaos that I must learn to master in myself. I know I am not alone, I trust in God and I know somewhere someone else may be experiencing the same thing. It is through that I must learn to find ways to keep fighting. The mood swings can happen but learning to keep calm and being aware is something we must all learn. Learning to lean on those that support us is a good thing. Therapist, group therapy, God, family, friends whatever it is keep finding good coping skills to help you find the strength you have. I learned last night not only God gave me the strength but my family did also. It was through that support I have in place that gave me the chance to speak to them, to trust in them and allow myself to vulnerable with them. Having the conversation and being completely open with them helped me enjoy being in the moment with the whole family. It was truly an amazing night that I will remember for a long time. I hope your Christmas was blessed. As I said to everyone yesterday remember we celebrate Christmas because it was the gift that we got from God in Jesus Christ who came and died to save us. We celebrated His birth. You might not believe but this what I believe and I am willing to stand on that rock always. God has given me so much and Jesus isn’t just my king, he is my friend, the lover of my soul, He knows me in ways no one will ever know and it’s a comfort for me. To have trust and faith in someone I can feel in my heart. Without God I would not be here it is through his love and Grace that I am at peace tonight. I send you some of that peace that maybe you can have that inner peace starting this new week. Have a wonderful week, filled with many blessings. ~Emma~
Written in the afternoon before Christmas Eve family gathering
Today wasn’t any better my mood spiked to further level of down. Sat on my bed crying for about an hour before trying to find something to wear. I wish I could say I felt better and I did this morning when I woke up. I got up and decided to try and smile and put myself to work doing different things to get excited. Unfortunately something triggered me into a downward spiral of just feeling like completely angered and out of control. The truth is I knew it was happening but couldn’t stop myself from just losing complete control. I did end up in my room pleading with God to help me, I cried as I laid in bed. I finally got up again and here I am getting dressed, trying to get excited for tonight and smile for everyone around. One of the most important things for me, is to know when I have lost control and try avoid things that will bring me into that state of mind. It’s one of my coping skills and asking God just for the strength to get up again is enough for me to get up. I did cry in a full blown crying fit and as I write this I am still not carefree. It’s a matter of knowing I will never be “normal” like others and learning to just be happy being myself. It’s not easy I wish I could say it is but it is not. It is something I must fight everyday, every single morning and throughout the day. If fighting bipolar was as easy as taking a pill and walking around happy everyone that suffers from it would be happy. Unfortunately reality is much more harsh than some dream pill to make you feel like you are normal. It’s a fight that you have to be willing to fight and if I can fight it so can you. So if you reading this right now and suffer from it or know someone that suffers from it. Just know you aren’t alone and it’s extremely hard but you can do it. And to all those whom hold the person that suffers from the illness don’t give up because they need you more than you will ever know. I do hope this Christmas is blessed for all of you. ~Emma~
Christmas message
It’s the night for me before Christmas Eve. It should be one filled with joy and happiness. Unfortunately with me being sick most of the month I haven’t felt joyful to say the least. I have been reading this Bible plan which talks about Christmas and the true meaning and how much we have forgotten about what it truly means. I guess that’s why I am truly sad about. Christmas no longer is about Christ’s birth. No it’s about gifts and it’s about dinners and what to wear how to dress what to decorate. Today I worked my ass off decorating our family room making sure it is perfect for anyone coming over. As I did that my sister took off with my niece and brother. I guess it wouldn’t bother me so much but the fact that here I am trying to make it perfect for no one. Because the truth is no one cares. I cared and put all my effort into something no one will give a shit about. It broke my heart and made me super angry. Why do I continue the cycle of insanity of trying to make others happy even as I feel like complete crap? Why am I still freaking doing everything I can to make them happy when in the end you truly have no one that actually cares or is even willing to give you the time you want. This used to be my favorite season and I wish I could say it has been one thing that took that from me but it wasn’t. No it’s been a long month of crap that just stripped it all from me and it was today that I decided I don’t want any part of it. My sister and mother say it’s just me throwing my usual tantrum but they don’t get it. How hard it has been on me personally but the truth is they don’t care. No one cares how you feel or how your mind turns. They only care of themselves and what they are going through to actually care about others. They don’t care about you they say they do but the truth is when you feel the loneliest no one is there. So my my friends tonight might be my last post for a few days. But regardless of how my Christmas will be I do hope for you all to have a wonderful one. I wish I could give you a positive attitude but at this moment I am too down to actually be positive about anything. God is my strength and with him I will carry on. No matter how anyone makes me feel I will hold hope by holding his hand. And I hope for the rest of you that feel the way I do at this moment you do the same. Hope by holding the hand of God, you have nothing to lose by holding on to him for strength. That’s the only thing I can give you. Merry Christmas everyone. ~Emma~
Daily positive advice….
I hope everyone has a blessed day filled with love and blessings. Spread as much love as you can and kindness to others it’s the only way to truly change the world. ~Emma~
Dear friend: written by Emmanuelle-Rose Grace
Dear “friend”, I want to say thank you for we no longer speak. Time has passed us by and friends we never really were you see. Things change, I have changed, my heart no longer cares for any of you. It’s strange you love something till you find out it wasn’t worth your time and it never was. You learn to let go not because you have forgotten the hurt or pain but because you no longer need them at all. They no longer exist in your life. You learned a valuable lesson that your “friend” may never see but wish them well. Never look back with regret and don’t forget the only one with the power is yourself. This “friend” I write about doesn’t exist they never did. Complete figment of my imagination because the truth is, real friends would be there for you, only figments of our imagination never existed in our life. So let go of the lie this friend never existed. Tomorrow when you open your eyes it’s your world no one else’s. So erase the figment of your imagination and dive into a new world free from the lie. Stop wasting time on shadows that never existed live in the present with the love around you. Sincerely, the Black Rose
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Love you
Just because I love you doesn’t mean I want to.
Emma the Mizfit 