Tag: saddness

Can’t sleep

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I am writing this at three in the morning. Today was a really good day. I can’t complain, but I can’t sleep. I worked out, went to PT, did acupuncture, it really was a good day. I mean every day that you’re alive is a good day isn’t it?

Unfortunately sleeping is my biggest problem right now. My dreams have been filled with nightmares of darkness. I get the same ones over and over.

Most of my dreams are centered around seeing things I shouldn’t see. I am usually walking in the city. There are flames and fires everywhere, there are dead bodies all over the place. Everything is destroyed in that and there I am just walking in the midst of all that chaos and destruction. It’s a dream that I’ve had over and over again. I don’t know why I have it yet I dream it over and over again.

Sometimes I wonder if they will ever stop. Right after I start thinking that I get like five dreams in a row crazy dreams. It’s funny because so many people I ask “do you dream” and their answer is always “no”. When I go to bed the moment I fall asleep I am dreaming all night from dream to dream to dream. Hopefully tonight I get to sleep, even if it’s dream and dream and dream.

I hope tonight you have wonderful dreams always ~Emma~

Feeling down?

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When you feel down get on your knees and pray to God. When you are drowning in pain, get on your knees and pray to God. When all hope is so lost you can’t find your way, get on your knees and pray to God. I know it might seem silly. If you have to plead and yell and scream talk to God.

I know it might seem hopeless and pointless. I have one thing in life that has consistently given me the strength to keep going, that is God. I hope when you read this, you take these words to heart. Remember God is with you. Have a good night~Emma~

Life lesson

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Last week has been hell and I am so happy for the new week to start. Today spent the day or should I say most of the day playing with the team. I used to love playing the game. I guess sometimes I enjoy it more than others but not nearly as much as I used to. I hardly use it as a coping skill anymore. I used to find farming super relaxing. Now it’s just become a nuisance.

I guess most would assume I played the game so much because I was alone. They never understood the main reason for playing the game. After long years of being sick, I lost all social interactions. The game was a way to learn to speak to people again. After years of being in and out of hospital it became therapeutic. I lost my ability to form sentences while being sick. So playing the game helped me to learn to speak again and learn to be around others. Even though it was completely different from normal interactions, it was still very difficult for me.

Still today trying to say the right words can be difficult. Sometimes I run in circles in the conversation trying to break the loop and people don’t understand why. It’s hard to explain so I just don’t anymore. Most people think they understand and can relate but the truth is you can’t. Unless you have lived my life, you will never truly comprehend what it has felt like. I have met so many people that have said well why don’t you just find yourself a nice man. Without ever understanding that it has taken me years to get this far because I couldn’t even speak words. I am not victim nor do I need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know each day I wake up it is blessing for me. When you have lived in complete darkness, you learn to see the world through a different perspective. You embrace the light in the world. You embrace the happy moments in life. You embrace the small tiny things that make you smile. You embrace the silver lining in everything. You learn to embrace that even though you might not be in the sunshine or under a beautiful rainbow, somewhere in the world there is both. That is truly enough for me to have that strength to hold on and keep moving forward. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed week. May this one be a good week.

Grateful

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How do you express your gratitude?

Each morning I wake up and thank God for allowing me to wake up. I ask Him to grant me the strength to face the day. At the end of the day before heading to bed I thank God for all the little things. I also thank Him for the big things but especially the little things that I might not give thanks for in my prayer. The way I see it is God is constantly in your day, every single moment of your day, so ofc He knows what you go through. So I might thank Him for one particular thing because I forget when praying at night. So I make sure to include the little things that have slipped my mind and express my gratitude for Him getting me through that moment. We all get overwhelmed by life, other people in our lives, feelings, issues that nag us, things we wish we could change but can’t because it’s beyond our own power. These things make us feel sad, depressed or even just overwhelmed with stress. It is those moments that I lean on God the most. This weekend I was completely hurt by an individual that went out of their way to hurt me. Was it necessary, no it made me feel like crap. I prayed and asked God to give me the strength to not get angry to just move on and He helped me. Am I still hurt of course I am but I am also learning and growing, trying to become a better person. I can’t do that alone, no one can. Even when you are having the worst day in the world and your life is completely in chaos, there is still something to be grateful for. You just need to find it and learn to practice being grateful. It is one of my coping skills and it doesn’t always work but learning to be thankful even for waking up in the morning is a start. It’s something I try to live by and it’s something I try to teach others to use as a coping skill. A thankful heart is one that can always find hope even in the midst of darkness.

Making choices

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Sometimes we try to make things fit together when they don’t belong together. Sometimes we try so hard that we forget somethings were never meant to be. It’s hard to admit, we think we can control things, only to learn we control nothing. It’s something we all must learn the hard way. Either through pain, tears or just experiences. We control nothing but ourselves and even that is hard sometimes. Learning to try and control your emotions, feelings, crazy outbursts or drama is hard. For myself it seems sometimes like a never ending battle to try to gain control of myself. I hate feeling pain and rejection, it’s something no one ever gets used to. Pain you learn to just embrace without letting it drown you. On the other hand rejection makes you feel as though you did something wrong. You ask yourself, what is it about myself that makes me not likable. Sometimes it might be your fault, allowing the wrong people in, allowing people that don’t deserve your love. This isn’t about being better than another person it’s about finding out sometimes some things are not worth fighting for. Time pardons no one and doesn’t wait for one to get their crap together. We must learn to move forward without looking back. It’s okay to learn from our mistakes and grow from them but it’s better to not dwell there. I know how hard it is, I myself am trying my hardest to move forward without looking back. I don’t want to let go but unfortunately like I said before time pardons no one. Life continues to move forward we must learn to do the same. Either we move forward or stay the same, doom to repeat the same mistakes. Have a beautiful weekend. ~Emma~

Am I the problem

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Last night I got into a fight with someone. He is a friend or I would like to think we are friends. Sometimes I wonder if he even considers me a friend or just someone that annoys him. I was upset because I don’t have many friends so after the death of my beloved Spencer last Friday I was feeling really down and depressed. I spent an hour crying and after crying I got super mad. Maybe I pointed the anger the wrong way which I can admit but it also made me wonder why this person didn’t even reach out to see if I am okay. We spoke several times through the day but not once did he ask. Maybe I am wrong to have expected anything from anyone only setting myself for disappointment. But I truly believed it was different with us that our friendship was genuine and true. But maybe the only fool was me for actually believing that we were friends. Or maybe I thought of the relationship as more than it was. I really don’t want to believe that but then again I have been told I am delusional, chaotic and a drama queen. So adding to that growing list, clueless and stupid wouldn’t be that far out there. I wanted to end this on a positive note so I will finish with this. After telling this person I was mad at them, would not talk to them because I was pissed that they didn’t even reach out. I was told that it was my choice to not speak to them and when I do decide to speak to them they won’t be around. Which brings me back to my main concern which is am I the problem and was it my fault that caused the situation. Am I the one who is being unreasonable with just expecting someone to just reach out to see if I am okay. Or am I just dumb to even think of us as friends? I leave the question to you hopefully you can answer me. It’s clear his answer will be nothing but crickets so I do hope someone can give me some good advice. Maybe I am delusional but I don’t know what to do. I keep giving my heart in these friendships and I am constantly abandoned by the same people that say they will be there. Maybe I am seeing something that isn’t there. Am I the problem? ~Emma~

Spencer greatest Frenchie ever!!!!

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Today I found out I need to put my baby boy (dog) Spencer to sleep. I wish I could be more joyful but unfortunately this post won’t be joyful just sad. This little Frenchie came into my life 10 years ago. He was a whirlwind of just love and energy. He slept on my bed on his pillow that I had given him with his sheets. The sheets consisted of a pink playboy blanket that was super soft that he loved. On top of him he had a Tinkerbell blanket or the Dallas Cowboys blanket. He loved sleeping with them because my room was cold. We used to go for walks in the park and he loved walking. As he got older he would get more tired but he still loved walking even if he could hardly breathe on our walks. My sister lost her dog two years after I got Spencer. While she was grieving her loss I would let Spencer comfort her. It did cause a bit of struggle between us because she basically took ownership of him. But Spencer in the end had two mothers that loved him more than life itself. He continues to fight so I just pray that God have mercy and put him to rest. It will be painful to live without him but I wouldn’t trade one moment with him for not having this pain. The pain in my heart just reminds me how much I love him. In the end it is all worth the sadness and grief. So my message on this warm night is to be present in life and enjoy each moment for nothing last forever but the love we give each other. Have a beautiful day/night. ~Emma~