Tag: peace

Letting you in

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What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

The thing I am scared to do the most is to allow people into my heart. Time after time, I have a lot of people in my heart, but never really given my heart away. I built this wall around myself. I know it’s been there. Maybe it’s protecting myself from the bad things that I have experienced.

But as I’ve grown more comfortable being myself, I’ve also learned that in order to truly have a good relationship with another person, you open yourself and be willing to get hurt.

As the years have gone by, I’ve learned to understand what I like about a man while also learning to be more open, act like a grownup and learning a relationship is a partnership you give and take but always have each other’s backs. I wanna be honest, I wanna connect intellectually. I want to feel more than just a connection.

I want him to teach me new things while also learning how to grow together as one. This has been a scary thought for many years. I have thought I had fallen but the truth is I always hid a piece of myself and was never really honest. I hope the day comes I can find someone to be myself around.

Can’t sleep

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I am writing this at three in the morning. Today was a really good day. I can’t complain, but I can’t sleep. I worked out, went to PT, did acupuncture, it really was a good day. I mean every day that you’re alive is a good day isn’t it?

Unfortunately sleeping is my biggest problem right now. My dreams have been filled with nightmares of darkness. I get the same ones over and over.

Most of my dreams are centered around seeing things I shouldn’t see. I am usually walking in the city. There are flames and fires everywhere, there are dead bodies all over the place. Everything is destroyed in that and there I am just walking in the midst of all that chaos and destruction. It’s a dream that I’ve had over and over again. I don’t know why I have it yet I dream it over and over again.

Sometimes I wonder if they will ever stop. Right after I start thinking that I get like five dreams in a row crazy dreams. It’s funny because so many people I ask “do you dream” and their answer is always “no”. When I go to bed the moment I fall asleep I am dreaming all night from dream to dream to dream. Hopefully tonight I get to sleep, even if it’s dream and dream and dream.

I hope tonight you have wonderful dreams always ~Emma~

Liberation day 

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Today was the Inauguration of President Trump. After four years under the Biden administration it finally feels good to be free from him. This isn’t about being a Republican or Democrat it was about being American. I was so tired of trying to explain why I am proud being American.

People from every nation are proud of their homeland, this is my homeland. I am not embarrassed where I come from nor should I be. People are taught to hate themselves for what? I can never understand why you would listen to anyone tell you to hate yourself.

As a person that suffered a devastating severe depression that left me in a mind prison for 10 years. When I was finally freed, thanks to God, it took me forever to feel like myself. As I grow each day not looking back at the past, I learn to be more comfortable in myself.

So again why would I listen to anyone that tells me I need to hate myself. Not only hate myself but also I need to fit in the boxes they decided to make. No thank you, I like being myself. I don’t need to fit into the box you have created for me to live in.

As a Christian I love everyone but I don’t need to be around everyone, nor do I have to accept everyone. Just like everyone doesn’t have to love me or accept me. It’s God I follow, it’s God that I have to answer to, it’s God who saved me from the darkness and it was God that saved Trump.

Was it to save the United States from the insanity it was going through, I do believe that. Regardless of how, Trump was saved to be used by God, that was His plan.

In the end I am just absolutely happy the madness of 100 genders, offending people by just being myself is done. So for me today isn’t just another Inauguration Day, for me it’s a day to celebrate my country. I may have ancestors from Spain but my country is America, my blood is American and my heart is for America.

So to all my fellow patriots I hope you have a beautiful night celebrating winning our country back. Make America Great Again!

Mom

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What relationships have a positive impact on you?

The relationship between me and my mom has always had a positive impact on me. Even though we have had our differences and fought many times my mother is my guiding light. She is strong, far stronger than I think I will ever be.

I have seen what she has been able to accomplish throughout her life, raising a family, being a wife, being a grandmother, a role model for her daughters. She would work a full-time job come home and cook a three course meal. My mom always worked. It didn’t matter if she retired. She was always working.

She fights with you but she’s also quick to forgive you. She can be extremely dismissive, but also very attentive. She just is full of absolute love. Like I said she has always been and will always be a positive in my life. 

Christmas Time

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During the Christmas season it’s always nice to spend time with the family. It’s also important to remember that we don’t live forever not on this earth. Our time is limited and we never know when our time will come to an end. So this Christmas while spending time with family put down your phone and live in the moment.

Whether it’s watching your favorite movies, eating your favorite foods, dancing your favorite songs, playing your favorite games or even just sitting around chatting with your loved ones. Never forget your time won’t last and neither will the time your loved ones have, so live in the moment with them.

Jesus Christ came to die so that we all may have a chance to be saved by His Grace. So while thinking Christmas might be all about the gifts you get, two gifts you can’t buy. Number 1- time, 2- God’s Grace. They are both a gift that cost nothing but cost everything. They are free yet come at a high cost. Might sound contradictory but it is the truth.

So while spending the time with the people you love remember Jesus came for all of us. He died to save us all. Life will move forward and time forgives no one. So cherish each moment and know that tomorrow may never come. So embrace the love and grace Jesus Christ has given you.

I do hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, filled with love and joy. Remember Jesus Christ is the reason for this season. ~Emma~

Busy bee

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Life has been extremely busy for me. Taking time out to catch up on just personal things has been exhausting. I can’t complain though I am alive and that is always a good thing. I am incredibly blessed and grateful to God for all the blessings He gives me. I hope as the Christmas season is in full bloom I hope you are blessed. May you remember a child was born to save us all. May your heart never forget that it is through that child we are reborn. May this season be a blessing to you all. Filled with love, laughter and pure joy, that you will remember each moment with a smile. Even through the darkest of times there is always something to be grateful for, never forget that. Have a blessed week. ~Emma~

Dream last night..

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Dream 4:15 am

I don’t want to write this but I will. For I believe this is the future and death of my mother. The day is sad and I hear people crying. Looking around I don’t know what is happening. Somber faces with looks of pity on every face. I am filled with this immense amount of despair within my heart. My best friend is gone. My confident, my anchor, my love is gone. Words I speak in front of faceless eyes. Condolences they offer as the smell of flowers fill my mind. The joy and laughter I was once knew has disappeared from the world I knew. More days to hug her and say I love you. More time go tell her my stories. More time to just breathe the air with her. We knew the day would come but the feeling of despair and heartbreak I wasn’t prepared for. My heart feels a part has died. I see all around but I can’t breathe I don’t know why. It feels like a dream will I wake up. The sun is shining it’s a beautiful day outside not a cloud in the sky. I can’t see myself but I know I am there. I see my siblings with me right there. My chest feels heavy when I try to breathe but I know God let me see. The dream is of the day I lose my mom. My rock and the foundation of whom I am. She loved me at my worst and held me at my best. Today I wake from this dream knowing she is still in my world. Don’t know how much time I have but God showed me this point. The reason I don’t know. I write this filled with joy and sadness in my heart. I know I will see her when I get up. But one day when this dream has come to pass I will know God gave me this moment to make it last. Even as I write these words trying not to stress I know my love for her will never end. Death may come one day to take her from us. But today I thank God for another day with my mom. 

This was a dream I had on December 10 at 4 am. I wrote as much as I could remember and try to keep the details right in my head. Laying in the dark I try not to feel dread I hope this doesn’t happen for many years to come. But I know God gave me this dream to show whatever happens next. I also believe he showed me to tell me I will be able to get through this dark time. The sky is a color blue I have never seen before. Birds chirping in the air. The spring breeze flows through the air. I look to the sky with deep sorrow in my eyes I love you mom are the only words to escape my silent mind. Tears filled in my sister’s eyes she hugs me as we cry. I wake up with pain and shocked did I just see her death. I don’t know but it was a dream I felt. A little shaken I hear my sister take out the dogs. I look in the camera she is feeding Luna with QVC on. I get up to go pee I should be asleep. But here I write this of the dream I just had.

Anime

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What’s your favorite cartoon?

I love anime. Mr favorite cartoons growing up was watching Batman and the Superman animated series. I still watch them from time to time. Even now I still make time to watch each new DC animated movie. Even if they suck I will watch them.

I recently watched an anime called My Happy Marriage. Loved the the love story between the two and the magic components. I hope the second season will be just as good as the first one.

Shhh 🤫

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What could you do less of?

Share less about myself. I am trying to grow into a better version of myself. I have learned that some mysteries are better left not knowing. It builds the intrigue of the person. The only way to accomplish that is by learning to stay silent. So that’s exactly what I am trying to do.