I feel so stupid when we talk. Not because I can’t talk to you but because you make me feel dumb. You say I spin in circles and you are right. I try so hard not to but I am trying to fix that and make it right. I hate the feeling of disappointment I hear in your voice. I hate feeling like no matter what I do you I will never be your choice. I hate that I care. I hate that I become jealous for reasons I can’t explain. I hate that when I talk to you I feel safe. I hate that when I say something you get so mad. I especially hate when you make me laugh. I want to stay mad but can’t. I want to hate you but I can’t. I hate to care and think of you all the time. I know you don’t have feelings but that doesn’t change mine. Lost in the deep sea of reflection. Darkness consuming my mind. Trying to escape in the incoming flood. Lost in the sea of your non existent callous heart. ~Emma~
Tag: peace
Memories
What would you do if you lost all your possessions?
It’s nice to keep your most treasured possessions, but nothing lasts. In a world where we will all face death one day, our only true possession is our memories. The love we have and the love we shared with others. So for myself the only thing I would hate to lose is my memories.
Things that help me in my daily life
What strategies do you use to increase comfort in your daily life?
I do a few things each day to help me prepare for the day. I don’t know if they work for comfort throughout the day or just helping me to stay focused. I usually start the day thanking God for waking me up, as always. I ask God for strength to get through the day. I also ask God to help me stay focused on whatever things I must complete. I try to stay active, working out in the evening or going for a walk. If I am dog sitting, most of the time is spent either walking them or playing with them. If it’s a day I don’t have dogs I am trying to focus on the things I need to do in the house. I also spend time making videos, in Twitter spaces, blogging and playing games. All of these things are for helping me build what I want in the future. It takes a lot of time and can be extremely exhausting. For instance if you spend time on Twitter trying to get a following you have to be active and in order to be active your followers must see you engaging with them and others which takes time and a lot of energy. I usually spend the night hunting in the game of thrones conquest game. Farming there relaxes me and whenever I feel stressed I go into the game and farm. It helps me to do something mindless without having to think. I will listen to music or put something in the background so I don’t have to think. I do this as a coping strategy and it really helps me. Singing some 80’s songs while hunting critters in the game absolutely makes me feel free from the thoughts of the day. After I have cleared my mind I usually read a verse in the Bible or do my daily devotional. It depends if I did it in the morning or saved it for the night. I will usually spend time talking to God from my bed. The way I see my relationship with God is like any other relationship you have to talk to him. So I spend sometime chatting with him about life my problems and what I would like to do the next day. Again these things work for me and might not work for others. I refer a lot to God because I went through a really dark time and it was Him that pulled me out. For me there is nothing greater than God. If it’s a late night and I am not going to bed yet I watch something that will either make me happy or laugh. I watch a lot of old movies because most of the modern ones are so filled with politics and social issues that I really don’t want to care about while relaxing. Self care is one of the most important things I feel our society doesn’t promote enough. Mom’s and dads need time to relax away from the kids. It’s the same with everyone else we all need time for ourselves to prepare for the next day. Praying or meditating can be a way for anyone to find some sort of peace in the crazy of a busy life. These things work for me and I hope you find they work for you.
Lessons to learn
I wish I could write from a place of positivity but life is harsh and cruel. I am grateful for waking up this morning. I am also grateful for the tough lessons I must still learn. They are painful lessons but they must be learned, to make a better person. Yesterday, I prayed on some things and this morning I got the answers. It’s not a choice I wanted to make, but sometimes it’s something we must do in order to find ourselves on the right path. There is a saying about dangerous prayers, if you ask God for something what you get might not be the answer you asked for. The answer isn’t always what we want when we ask for God’s help. It’s for Him to take control and if we truly believe that He is in control we must listen to what He is telling us. It might not be what we wanted but it will be the path God wanted us to go. These are what they call dangerous prayers because He will answer the prayer. In my own life I have been blessed to have some of my own dangerous prayers answered. Some in a good way that I was so excited and other times I lost people I loved or doors that closed. I have asked for others in those dangerous prayers and have seen them take a different path right before my eyes. God is working in our lives, we just need to be able to surrender and give Him full control. It might not be what we wanted but the truth is we don’t know the future and if He pulls something from your life it’s because He needs you somewhere else. Like I started this blog, life is harsh and cruel and I want to be the positive hope you see. But in honesty even my hopes are broken when what I want isn’t something for me. We must learn to accept the disappointment and learn to become stronger from the lesson. Not everyone is meant to be a chapter in your story. Some are just meant to be side characters or tiny little paragraphs on one page. They are not meant for more than the lesson you learn and they serve that purpose. It is up to us to learn the lesson and grow from that. I hope you all have a beautiful blessed week. ~Emma~
Grateful
How do you express your gratitude?
Each morning I wake up and thank God for allowing me to wake up. I ask Him to grant me the strength to face the day. At the end of the day before heading to bed I thank God for all the little things. I also thank Him for the big things but especially the little things that I might not give thanks for in my prayer. The way I see it is God is constantly in your day, every single moment of your day, so ofc He knows what you go through. So I might thank Him for one particular thing because I forget when praying at night. So I make sure to include the little things that have slipped my mind and express my gratitude for Him getting me through that moment. We all get overwhelmed by life, other people in our lives, feelings, issues that nag us, things we wish we could change but can’t because it’s beyond our own power. These things make us feel sad, depressed or even just overwhelmed with stress. It is those moments that I lean on God the most. This weekend I was completely hurt by an individual that went out of their way to hurt me. Was it necessary, no it made me feel like crap. I prayed and asked God to give me the strength to not get angry to just move on and He helped me. Am I still hurt of course I am but I am also learning and growing, trying to become a better person. I can’t do that alone, no one can. Even when you are having the worst day in the world and your life is completely in chaos, there is still something to be grateful for. You just need to find it and learn to practice being grateful. It is one of my coping skills and it doesn’t always work but learning to be thankful even for waking up in the morning is a start. It’s something I try to live by and it’s something I try to teach others to use as a coping skill. A thankful heart is one that can always find hope even in the midst of darkness.
Making choices
Sometimes we try to make things fit together when they don’t belong together. Sometimes we try so hard that we forget somethings were never meant to be. It’s hard to admit, we think we can control things, only to learn we control nothing. It’s something we all must learn the hard way. Either through pain, tears or just experiences. We control nothing but ourselves and even that is hard sometimes. Learning to try and control your emotions, feelings, crazy outbursts or drama is hard. For myself it seems sometimes like a never ending battle to try to gain control of myself. I hate feeling pain and rejection, it’s something no one ever gets used to. Pain you learn to just embrace without letting it drown you. On the other hand rejection makes you feel as though you did something wrong. You ask yourself, what is it about myself that makes me not likable. Sometimes it might be your fault, allowing the wrong people in, allowing people that don’t deserve your love. This isn’t about being better than another person it’s about finding out sometimes some things are not worth fighting for. Time pardons no one and doesn’t wait for one to get their crap together. We must learn to move forward without looking back. It’s okay to learn from our mistakes and grow from them but it’s better to not dwell there. I know how hard it is, I myself am trying my hardest to move forward without looking back. I don’t want to let go but unfortunately like I said before time pardons no one. Life continues to move forward we must learn to do the same. Either we move forward or stay the same, doom to repeat the same mistakes. Have a beautiful weekend. ~Emma~
Never give up never give in
I am grateful today to be alive. I might be having a really hard month. I am having a good day. Good or bad either way I am grateful to be alive to live even through the pain. Some days might be hard and I have to push myself even harder to keep moving. I will never give up. Today I ask you to find one thing you can find to be grateful about. Whatever that one thing is hold on to it, and don’t let go. Keep fighting no matter how dark everything may seem. You will make it through but only if you don’t give up on yourself. Keep fighting. Have a blessed week. ~Emma~
Who is your favorite historical figure?
King David from the Bible. It took me a few minutes to really think but he is definitely my favorite. David wasn’t a good person, he did many things that would classify him as a bad person. He committed murder, adultery, envying his friend, he wasn’t a good person. Yet while reading the Psalms book you learn his real love was God. Jesus refers to him as David the one after my own heart. King David wasn’t perfect but that’s the whole point. No matter how far he was from perfect he loved God with all his heart. That can’t be denied and hence why he is my favorite, he is truly an inspiration.
What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
My favorite thing about myself is being myself. I am completely unpredictable, chaotic, lost, even sometimes just dumb. I can be completely passionate about things, I love with no apologies. I love whole heartedly and without boundaries. I am loyal and never try to be something I am not. Being myself is the best part of myself. Because just like a painting, like all art, what is beautiful to me may not be for you. Love me or hate me I am always me. ~Emma~
What are the most important things needed to live a good life?
The most important things needed in my life to live a good life is…
One- my relationship with God. I have nothing without Him in my life. Through the darkest times in my life he was the only One that has always been there never leaving my side. For me I can’t have a good life if God is not in it.
Two- my health. When I speak of my health I don’t just mean healthy life style, eating food and working out. I am also talking about my mental health. It is just as important to eat well as it is to have good coping skills, seeking therapy, having a back up plan. To some this might seem silly but for a person who has mental health issues it’s extremely important to stay on top of your own condition. It is a way you can learn to grow and become a more independent person and not be in the dark space of mental illness. I am a firm believer in having these skills and ways to help one always know when they might be sliding down a path they can’t come back from.
For me having both of these no matter how dark life may get, no matter how many people you lose life is always good.
Emma the Mizfit 