It’s been a struggle for me the last few months with the ups and downs of the bipolar. I have decided again to try and find another therapist and try to find another group therapy to get into. I know I was doing much better during that time period but the program was cut because of funds. Ofc as we know mental health is the first program that get cut in the health industry. Especially when the state is making decisions as to where money goes. It’s been something I have struggled with for the last 2 years mainly because of the fact that my psychiatrist of many years died in 2020 and my therapist died two years ago. Bipolar ppl don’t deal good with changes and this year losing my another good therapist due to funding in hospital program along with my group therapy that I attended weekly. Adding the loss of my dog, uncle and losing friends. So for a few months the lack of therapy has definitely taken a toll and finally I have no choice but to try and find myself both. Without any therapy I will end up spiraling completely out of control so I know I must get back to the basics and find another. Unfortunately it’s not easy and exhausting to constantly look for another group or even just a good therapist. I write this blog to vent my frustrations with just the whole process and lack of help that is out there for myself and ppl like me. People wonder why there is such a crisis when it comes to mental health, I don’t. I know the main problems but unfortunately I cannot solve them. I have tried endlessly to speak out but no one actually wants to help the mental health community or the effects it has on people. They just don’t care. As in life we must choose to either get ourselves up or let life devour us. I know my story seems silly but unfortunately it’s the truth. I at least have my faith in God which is unwavering. So I know in the end I still hold onto hope. I hope if you read this and have no hope you find some strength inside yourself, ask God for help but do ask for help. hope you have a blessed weekend.
Tag: not alone
Be the light
What is your mission?
To find the path God wants me on. I want to be an explain of His love and His patience. He has given me so much I want to repay that by showing what He had done for me. I want to be the light He gave me in my darkest moments. Also to bring awareness to the mental health issues and how is the only answer.
Random thoughts
I try hard to keep up. You have never made it easy so I gave up. Time has lost all its luster and my feelings are dead. I stop caring after learning you can careless. It’s like the quote goes from How I met your mother…
“You may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face, but there’s a third option: you can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone, and you can move forward.” – Ted Mosby
Cry for love : The Mary Onettes
Because of your mother
I can’t seem to forget
That our love is a trembling one
And healthy to my soul
Because of your father
You’ve got a hole in your trust
And when I see you hide it I wish I could
Remove it from your heart
In silence I make promises
I’m lying still in the dark
And because of your peaceful soul
I keep thinking to myself
Don’t, don’t, don’t cry for love
Cry for love
Don’t, don’t, don’t cry for love
Cry for love
Don’t you cry for love
It’s a part of our path
Think about the way
Things were left to be
It’s a raging sea
And colors that you won’t be
Here to see
And it’s just a matter of time
Till they put me in the grave
Till they put you in the grave
So I don’t, don’t, don’t, cry for love
I don’t cry for love
Becoming the best version of myself
What have you been working on?
I have been working on myself. Trying to learn from my mistakes. Trying to live a healthy lifestyle. Trying to learn how to communicate better. Trying to push myself out of own comfort zones. Learning new coping techniques to try and not keep myself back. Always trying to keep growing to become a version of myself than I was yesterday. Sounds silly I know but it’s the truth. The only way I can find my place in this life is to find myself. For so long I had no idea who I was and I think finally, I am coming to understand who I am and who I want to be. Because there is a difference, I don’t just want to be myself I want to be the best version of myself.
Annoying things
One of the most annoying things is when someone ask you a question and you answer them. Immediately they turn into a “well you don’t want to teach me…
Annoying things
Mom
Mom you are the light in my world You are the stone that keeps me grounded You are my lighthouse on a stormy night on the sea You are stars and moon …
Mom
Things that help me in my daily life
What strategies do you use to increase comfort in your daily life?
I do a few things each day to help me prepare for the day. I don’t know if they work for comfort throughout the day or just helping me to stay focused. I usually start the day thanking God for waking me up, as always. I ask God for strength to get through the day. I also ask God to help me stay focused on whatever things I must complete. I try to stay active, working out in the evening or going for a walk. If I am dog sitting, most of the time is spent either walking them or playing with them. If it’s a day I don’t have dogs I am trying to focus on the things I need to do in the house. I also spend time making videos, in Twitter spaces, blogging and playing games. All of these things are for helping me build what I want in the future. It takes a lot of time and can be extremely exhausting. For instance if you spend time on Twitter trying to get a following you have to be active and in order to be active your followers must see you engaging with them and others which takes time and a lot of energy. I usually spend the night hunting in the game of thrones conquest game. Farming there relaxes me and whenever I feel stressed I go into the game and farm. It helps me to do something mindless without having to think. I will listen to music or put something in the background so I don’t have to think. I do this as a coping strategy and it really helps me. Singing some 80’s songs while hunting critters in the game absolutely makes me feel free from the thoughts of the day. After I have cleared my mind I usually read a verse in the Bible or do my daily devotional. It depends if I did it in the morning or saved it for the night. I will usually spend time talking to God from my bed. The way I see my relationship with God is like any other relationship you have to talk to him. So I spend sometime chatting with him about life my problems and what I would like to do the next day. Again these things work for me and might not work for others. I refer a lot to God because I went through a really dark time and it was Him that pulled me out. For me there is nothing greater than God. If it’s a late night and I am not going to bed yet I watch something that will either make me happy or laugh. I watch a lot of old movies because most of the modern ones are so filled with politics and social issues that I really don’t want to care about while relaxing. Self care is one of the most important things I feel our society doesn’t promote enough. Mom’s and dads need time to relax away from the kids. It’s the same with everyone else we all need time for ourselves to prepare for the next day. Praying or meditating can be a way for anyone to find some sort of peace in the crazy of a busy life. These things work for me and I hope you find they work for you.
Lessons to learn
I wish I could write from a place of positivity but life is harsh and cruel. I am grateful for waking up this morning. I am also grateful for the tough lessons I must still learn. They are painful lessons but they must be learned, to make a better person. Yesterday, I prayed on some things and this morning I got the answers. It’s not a choice I wanted to make, but sometimes it’s something we must do in order to find ourselves on the right path. There is a saying about dangerous prayers, if you ask God for something what you get might not be the answer you asked for. The answer isn’t always what we want when we ask for God’s help. It’s for Him to take control and if we truly believe that He is in control we must listen to what He is telling us. It might not be what we wanted but it will be the path God wanted us to go. These are what they call dangerous prayers because He will answer the prayer. In my own life I have been blessed to have some of my own dangerous prayers answered. Some in a good way that I was so excited and other times I lost people I loved or doors that closed. I have asked for others in those dangerous prayers and have seen them take a different path right before my eyes. God is working in our lives, we just need to be able to surrender and give Him full control. It might not be what we wanted but the truth is we don’t know the future and if He pulls something from your life it’s because He needs you somewhere else. Like I started this blog, life is harsh and cruel and I want to be the positive hope you see. But in honesty even my hopes are broken when what I want isn’t something for me. We must learn to accept the disappointment and learn to become stronger from the lesson. Not everyone is meant to be a chapter in your story. Some are just meant to be side characters or tiny little paragraphs on one page. They are not meant for more than the lesson you learn and they serve that purpose. It is up to us to learn the lesson and grow from that. I hope you all have a beautiful blessed week. ~Emma~
Making choices
Sometimes we try to make things fit together when they don’t belong together. Sometimes we try so hard that we forget somethings were never meant to be. It’s hard to admit, we think we can control things, only to learn we control nothing. It’s something we all must learn the hard way. Either through pain, tears or just experiences. We control nothing but ourselves and even that is hard sometimes. Learning to try and control your emotions, feelings, crazy outbursts or drama is hard. For myself it seems sometimes like a never ending battle to try to gain control of myself. I hate feeling pain and rejection, it’s something no one ever gets used to. Pain you learn to just embrace without letting it drown you. On the other hand rejection makes you feel as though you did something wrong. You ask yourself, what is it about myself that makes me not likable. Sometimes it might be your fault, allowing the wrong people in, allowing people that don’t deserve your love. This isn’t about being better than another person it’s about finding out sometimes some things are not worth fighting for. Time pardons no one and doesn’t wait for one to get their crap together. We must learn to move forward without looking back. It’s okay to learn from our mistakes and grow from them but it’s better to not dwell there. I know how hard it is, I myself am trying my hardest to move forward without looking back. I don’t want to let go but unfortunately like I said before time pardons no one. Life continues to move forward we must learn to do the same. Either we move forward or stay the same, doom to repeat the same mistakes. Have a beautiful weekend. ~Emma~
Emma the Mizfit 