What snack would you eat right now?
If I was to have snack right now it would be probably some cheese and crackers. It’s late by me and I don’t eat after 7 at night. So crackers and cheese is something not too heavy in the stomach and won’t give me a belly ache at night. But I don’t really eat anything at night.
Days
Weeks
Months
Years
Still you managed to make me smile today
It’s been over a year
My thoughts go back in time
To a time we would just laugh
Endless chatters
Sharing secrets
Careless whispers in the night
Song lists from the heart
Music that made us feel connected
Nights falling asleep sounds in our ears
Words that made us express our deepest desires
Though the puzzle never fit
We tried to find ways
Life decided for us
You were right coffee, no one is to blame
Life is to blame
Every night I head to bed, take my medication to help me sleep but recently haven’t been able to sleep the whole night. I used to think it was the stress I am under. I am doing a lot of different projects at once and that could be the reason. On the other hand I was sleeping just fine a couple of months ago. So what changed? At this very moment I have no clue I fell asleep about 12:30-1:00am. I was tired and had a long day taking care of the dogs. So again I was tired, played my games and headed to bed. Now here I am at 4:04 am in the morning wondering how is this my new normal. I went from sleeping the whole night to sleeping just a few hours. Like I said fell asleep around 12-1 and I woke up about 3:30 half hour later I am still trying to fall back asleep. I really can’t shut my mind off and I praying God helps me. Let’s hope. I will try to head to bed again hoping this time will be the moment I fall asleep. I will let you know how good that works tomorrow. Nite ~Emma~
How does one ever truly learn to treat others than not by the people around them? How can a girl learn how a man is to treat her if the men around her weren’t strong or a good example? How can she learn what love looks like when she doesn’t know? Questions I have asked myself a dozen times. I have never truly found love or been loved by a man because I don’t know what that feels like. Though I might not have the love of a father that showed me how to love and be loved, my mother showed me a different kind of love. It’s weird because my father has always provided for us but has never truly been there, if that makes any sense. I guess it’s why I have never truly found a man to love me. It’s because I have never seen a strong relationship around me. With that said my mother has shown me love beyond words. But I will save that for Mother’s Day. But today my blog is about not having a strong man to show me how love is suppose to be like. Am I doomed to never know what love is? I have given my heart to men that have never deserved my heart. But was I truly in love if I have never known what love was? Love is more than butterflies in your stomach or feeling happy to see someone. It’s a connection, more than just a connection it’s respect, it’s unconditional, and it’s something worth fighting for I assume. Maybe not knowing how to love is a good thing. A chaotic soul as myself will surely find it easier being alone when you feel no one can truly hold you down. It’s easy to fall in and out of love with men I will never truly give my heart to. It’s easy to love someone far away like on the other side of the country because you will never be with them. Falling in love with their soul is easy but it’s truly never real. It’s easy to feel like it is real for the time because it does feel real but as time moves you know it is not real. In the end you learn it was just a connection you had with someone but never truly loved them. So on this Friday night I wonder will I ever fall in love or learn what that feels like. I guess only time will tell for as the night passes, my mind wanders into the chaos of stars in the sky. As the warm temperatures are high I know one day all my questions will be answered. But on this day, this night I sit in the quiet peace of the chaotic soothing sound of silence. Have a blessed weekend my friends. ~Emma~
Today has been an extremely busy day for me. I am working on like 4 different projects. I would like to say that keeping as busy as I am now, does distract me from feeling anything. Which I would like to say is a good thing for the moment. Sometimes the best way to keep from thinking or dwelling on something is to keep busy. So if you are having a rough day just remember you aren’t alone. Many feel the way you feel. Just try to focus on one blessing today. One victory no matter how small it may be. You can get through this day you just need to believe in yourself. Have a beautiful blessed day. ~Emma~
It’s the night for me before Christmas Eve. It should be one filled with joy and happiness. Unfortunately with me being sick most of the month I haven’t felt joyful to say the least. I have been reading this Bible plan which talks about Christmas and the true meaning and how much we have forgotten about what it truly means. I guess that’s why I am truly sad about. Christmas no longer is about Christ’s birth. No it’s about gifts and it’s about dinners and what to wear how to dress what to decorate. Today I worked my ass off decorating our family room making sure it is perfect for anyone coming over. As I did that my sister took off with my niece and brother. I guess it wouldn’t bother me so much but the fact that here I am trying to make it perfect for no one. Because the truth is no one cares. I cared and put all my effort into something no one will give a shit about. It broke my heart and made me super angry. Why do I continue the cycle of insanity of trying to make others happy even as I feel like complete crap? Why am I still freaking doing everything I can to make them happy when in the end you truly have no one that actually cares or is even willing to give you the time you want. This used to be my favorite season and I wish I could say it has been one thing that took that from me but it wasn’t. No it’s been a long month of crap that just stripped it all from me and it was today that I decided I don’t want any part of it. My sister and mother say it’s just me throwing my usual tantrum but they don’t get it. How hard it has been on me personally but the truth is they don’t care. No one cares how you feel or how your mind turns. They only care of themselves and what they are going through to actually care about others. They don’t care about you they say they do but the truth is when you feel the loneliest no one is there. So my my friends tonight might be my last post for a few days. But regardless of how my Christmas will be I do hope for you all to have a wonderful one. I wish I could give you a positive attitude but at this moment I am too down to actually be positive about anything. God is my strength and with him I will carry on. No matter how anyone makes me feel I will hold hope by holding his hand. And I hope for the rest of you that feel the way I do at this moment you do the same. Hope by holding the hand of God, you have nothing to lose by holding on to him for strength. That’s the only thing I can give you. Merry Christmas everyone. ~Emma~
Last night I found the most beautiful words in my Yogi Tea. It goes “There is nothing like you, there was nothing like you, and there shall never be nothing like you.” We are all different, no one knows the others pain or the trials they face. We each face our own journey through this life. I just pray you find the path to happiness.
Lord Almighty, on this damp cold night I thank Thee Oh Lord. Lord this week You have given me the strength to do all the things I needed to do. Lord this week You have awoken me each morning with a smile on my face, no matter the rain or the cold there is always something to smile about. Lord this week You gave me hope, when I speak to You in my quite time with You, I feel Your Presence. Lord this week You gave me a new understanding that no matter what I do The Creator of the Universe shall never leave my side. Lord this week You have protected me and my family from the dangers of this chaotic world. Lord this week You have picked up when I felt defeated. Lord I bow before Thee and Praise You in the Highest for Your Love is Truly Great.
~~your servant~~
Emma the Mizfit 