Tag: mourning

To the One with No Name

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

I don’t think about you anymore. I know it’s hard for you to comprehend. I no longer care to have the same worthless conversations about my flaws and shortcomings. I am not perfect never pretended to be anything other than myself.

You are the one that pretended to be someone you aren’t. So I go to bed with my conscience completely clear. I don’t pretend to be something I am not.

I am a difficult person to love and even more difficult to understand. I am fiercely loyal and willing to move mountains for those whom I love. I am upfront and don’t lie about my feelings. I am not fake and will never try to fit into a role because someone else thinks I should. I have my own personal opinions about politics. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour, I will never apologize for that.

I am completely confident in myself. I know I am constantly growing and learning from my mistakes and experiences in life. I can’t apologize for the past because it doesn’t exist for me. I know you can’t understand that and I won’t try to explain it.

I used to think maybe one day you would realize that. That I would always be there for you even in the darkest times of life. But I have mourned our relationship and have buried it.

Just as the dead cannot speak, we move on. The future is before us, will our paths cross again maybe, maybe not. Either way I hold no grudges towards you. You are in very long list of memories or times I no longer visit. Tucked away like a bookmark in a page of a book I will never read again. Always~Emma~

Dream last night..

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Dream 4:15 am

I don’t want to write this but I will. For I believe this is the future and death of my mother. The day is sad and I hear people crying. Looking around I don’t know what is happening. Somber faces with looks of pity on every face. I am filled with this immense amount of despair within my heart. My best friend is gone. My confident, my anchor, my love is gone. Words I speak in front of faceless eyes. Condolences they offer as the smell of flowers fill my mind. The joy and laughter I was once knew has disappeared from the world I knew. More days to hug her and say I love you. More time go tell her my stories. More time to just breathe the air with her. We knew the day would come but the feeling of despair and heartbreak I wasn’t prepared for. My heart feels a part has died. I see all around but I can’t breathe I don’t know why. It feels like a dream will I wake up. The sun is shining it’s a beautiful day outside not a cloud in the sky. I can’t see myself but I know I am there. I see my siblings with me right there. My chest feels heavy when I try to breathe but I know God let me see. The dream is of the day I lose my mom. My rock and the foundation of whom I am. She loved me at my worst and held me at my best. Today I wake from this dream knowing she is still in my world. Don’t know how much time I have but God showed me this point. The reason I don’t know. I write this filled with joy and sadness in my heart. I know I will see her when I get up. But one day when this dream has come to pass I will know God gave me this moment to make it last. Even as I write these words trying not to stress I know my love for her will never end. Death may come one day to take her from us. But today I thank God for another day with my mom. 

This was a dream I had on December 10 at 4 am. I wrote as much as I could remember and try to keep the details right in my head. Laying in the dark I try not to feel dread I hope this doesn’t happen for many years to come. But I know God gave me this dream to show whatever happens next. I also believe he showed me to tell me I will be able to get through this dark time. The sky is a color blue I have never seen before. Birds chirping in the air. The spring breeze flows through the air. I look to the sky with deep sorrow in my eyes I love you mom are the only words to escape my silent mind. Tears filled in my sister’s eyes she hugs me as we cry. I wake up with pain and shocked did I just see her death. I don’t know but it was a dream I felt. A little shaken I hear my sister take out the dogs. I look in the camera she is feeding Luna with QVC on. I get up to go pee I should be asleep. But here I write this of the dream I just had.

Bury Sh*t!

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I had this friend, who I thought was a friend that completely turned his back on me. Turns out he wasn’t a friend, he was a user. The moment I no longer became useful he tossed me like garbage. Now this person used to say how loyal he was and all this fake 💩. The truth is I should have known he was fake. I should have known he was a liar. I should have known everything he spoke about was lies. Regardless of him cutting me out I had hoped we would reconcile but I no longer want to reconcile. I have mourned the relationship between us. Today I put the final nail in the coffin. I have moved on and thought I would like to be the better person and wish him luck. I have to be honest I literally don’t give a 💩 what happens to him. It’s not about bitterness or anything I just don’t care. A person can wish well and hope for the best but once you cross the line to where they no longer care. It’s gone nothing you do matters nothing you say matters you are dead to them. And he is dead to me. Mourn the loss of the people that have done you wrong and after that let it go. No use holding on to grudges or even any feelings for them. After you have mourned their death you can move forward never looking back. It’s the best way to heal yourself.

Am I the problem

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Last night I got into a fight with someone. He is a friend or I would like to think we are friends. Sometimes I wonder if he even considers me a friend or just someone that annoys him. I was upset because I don’t have many friends so after the death of my beloved Spencer last Friday I was feeling really down and depressed. I spent an hour crying and after crying I got super mad. Maybe I pointed the anger the wrong way which I can admit but it also made me wonder why this person didn’t even reach out to see if I am okay. We spoke several times through the day but not once did he ask. Maybe I am wrong to have expected anything from anyone only setting myself for disappointment. But I truly believed it was different with us that our friendship was genuine and true. But maybe the only fool was me for actually believing that we were friends. Or maybe I thought of the relationship as more than it was. I really don’t want to believe that but then again I have been told I am delusional, chaotic and a drama queen. So adding to that growing list, clueless and stupid wouldn’t be that far out there. I wanted to end this on a positive note so I will finish with this. After telling this person I was mad at them, would not talk to them because I was pissed that they didn’t even reach out. I was told that it was my choice to not speak to them and when I do decide to speak to them they won’t be around. Which brings me back to my main concern which is am I the problem and was it my fault that caused the situation. Am I the one who is being unreasonable with just expecting someone to just reach out to see if I am okay. Or am I just dumb to even think of us as friends? I leave the question to you hopefully you can answer me. It’s clear his answer will be nothing but crickets so I do hope someone can give me some good advice. Maybe I am delusional but I don’t know what to do. I keep giving my heart in these friendships and I am constantly abandoned by the same people that say they will be there. Maybe I am seeing something that isn’t there. Am I the problem? ~Emma~

Till we meet again

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Today my uncle passed away surrounded by his loved ones. He was not a perfect man, did many wrong things but the man loved God. His passion for loving The Lord was extraordinary. I didn’t always agree in a lot of his ways, but there is no doubt He loved God and that I respected. He will be missed by all of us. But one day we all be in heaven together again. Laughing and embracing each other reminiscing of a time that past. Though tears sting my eyes my heart is filled with joy. For the pain will subside but the love will be there forever with us. Till we meet again, may God be with you till we meet again. ~Emma~

Not okay

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

I wish I could write a happy note and be positive but it has escaped me. Right at this very moment I am extremely hurt. I can’t even begin to explain the pain I feel but it has taken a hold of me. When you find that you have loved someone so much but they have disregarded you as piece of shit it is soul crushing. It makes me mad, angry, and just utterly broken. I will never be like that no matter how broken I feel. I won’t be like that person or the people that defend this person. I have lost a part of my heart probably to never find it again. All I can do is mourn it and let it go eventually. There is no point in trying to find or let anyone understand what you feel. They see things through their eyes and only their eyes, you can’t change that. It’s just heartbreaking and I am not okay with it. ~Emma~

Quote:

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“You knew what you were doing and you know it would hurt me but somehow that still didn’t stop you.”

Fear Death

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Death is all I see

Death is all I smell

Death is all I taste

The vipers hanging from the well

Haunting and hissing making the rounds

Chasing me down

In my dreams

In my past

In my life

Death is all I feel when I look around

As daggers pierce my eyes

There is no love here

Never to be found

Death doesn’t pardon any one of us

Even the good ones

Faced stained with blood

Lips sown shut

Fears of darkness consuming all of us

Death to dust fighting time for every night

Close my eyes and see your face

Hallowed and empty you no longer play

Death found you months ago

Leaving a hole where in my soul

Death took you from me and I have no where to go

Written by: Emmanuelle-Rose Grace

New Poetry…

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

The Widow

Lying in bed with a broken heart trying to understand why I am the way I am

Looking to the right and staring at a blank wall with nothing to say

Looking to the left and staring at the pictures that once hung there

Happy faces and smiles from time shared gone bye

How do I escape the pain from not having you here?

How do I fill this empty bed where you use to lay?

I feel my throat closing as I try to breathe in the last scent of you

The sheets still hold the faint smell of us

How do I escape the touch I need so much?

How do I free my mind from the prison I sit in now?

Tears stain my red cheeks

Sadness grabs a hold of me

My breathing becomes labored

How can I get you back?

I stare at the ceiling the sun shines through the blinds

But all I feel is the pain of not having you by my side

Tell me how can I live in a world you no longer live in

How can I go on without you?

I will do anything to get you back

But I know the one place I cannot get you from is the one place you belong

I turn to the dark side of the bed and hold the pillows tight

Knowing in heaven you will be alright

Written by:

Emmanuelle-Rose Grace