Tag: mental health

Sabbath and reset

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How do you balance work and home life?

It’s extremely exhausting but it must be done. If you work all the time and never take time for home life you will burn out. Home life is just as important as work life. Working from home I find that learning to make time for things around the house or even time for myself can be extremely hard. But it is something we all must learn to do and find balance. Saturday which is the Sabbath day, is my day to rest. From Friday night to Saturday night I turn off twitter and every single social media app. It helps me to focus on just being in the moment, spending time with God, reading scripture and listening to Christian music like Family Radio. I also enjoy playing with my team on the game. We play together, I listen to them on Voice Chat and it helps me to just not worry about what is happening outside in the world. Again I focus on resting and not stressing myself out. Though to some it might be waste of time but for me it absolutely resets me for the week. If I have a dog that is staying he chills with me. It is something that I feel really is something that everyone should do. No tv no social media just music to relax to. Listening to soft music praying reflecting being in that moment living in that moment. It truly feels good. But hey that’s just me.

Life is nothing but a dream

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Today I went through one of my journals. It’s funny the things we don’t remember and the things we choose to remember. In this specific book was a letter to my niece. Now the interesting part is I refer to another journal to her in this letter. I wrote it in 2012 and speak of the other journal that I assume I wrote during my time being sick.

I speak of asking her to read the journals of my life to truly understand what I have been through. I even speak about a memory I don’t have in my mind. But the memory was written in the journal at the time. I tell her of the specific memory about a night that it was raining and thundering hard and she said let us pray. “Let us ask God to stop the rain and thunder.” Apparently that’s exactly what we did, and sure enough it had stopped raining and thundering. She tells me “let’s pray again and thank God for stopping the rain and thunder.”

I speak about the memory and reference to it as how close we were and go on about my sickness.

The actual reason I speak about it now, while reading that I thought to myself how much was my choice to not remember. It’s clear I was in the right mind in that particular letter. Yet the memory isn’t there of me ever writing this letter. How weird is it as humans we experience so much but don’t remember so many of the things we experience. We tell the same stories but without remembering all the details of the stories.

In this letter I beg her to read from one of the many journals I have of my life. I tell her to read the brown journal because in that journal I speak about her so much. It’s weird when all your memories are gone and you go back to read things you don’t remember writing.

I am extremely grateful that even though I lost so many of my memories, my journals are my archive. Maybe one day I will write a book completely based on those journals. It seems there are so many things that I experienced and don’t know about. I guess that was always the purpose behind journaling. You write what you feel in the moment. Years later that moment is gone but the memories, the pain, the thoughts you had are there written for you to see again.

I believe I was 12 years old when my mom gave me my first journal. I never thought my life would take so many turns. I am just grateful that it’s written in books I can go back to. Even if the memories aren’t there, I can still read them as if they were. Like going back in time I feel the memory like it’s just a dream.

To Vote or Not to Vote?!?

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Do you vote in political elections?

Yes I do vote I think it’s extremely important to vote. Sometimes I believe it won’t make a difference but in truth if I don’t vote I have no reason to complain. Not voting is like not speaking. Regardless of what one might say they still have the right to say it. It might be something no one wants to hear, or might be something worth hearing but if one chooses not to speak they have silenced themselves.

As a Puerto Rican Christian American born in this great beautiful country it’s an honor to live here. To vote for what I believe in. To voice my thoughts, to let my voice be heard. It’s a beautiful thing to have freedoms that many places don’t have in the world.

I am extremely blessed to live here. It’s not perfect but no place on earth is perfect. I vote for my values. Every time I vote I pray before entering the booth. God truly is the Power and he can raise kings or bring them down. So I make sure the person I vote for is one that values America. A person that loves this country. One that believes in the American people. One that wants the American people to thrive. One that believes that We the People have the power and not some lobbyist or agency. It’s what the founders wanted for America. Freedom from tyranny.

As I have gotten older I see more of the value of voting in each election. It’s important for all Americans to vote. If we don’t protect our rights the government won’t. We the People must always protect and remember this is our country and whoever we vote works for us not themselves. If they work for anyone else they needed to be voted out.

Be proud my fellow Americans for God will get us through these dark days. We must trust His Plan. ~Emma~

Feeling down?

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When you feel down get on your knees and pray to God. When you are drowning in pain, get on your knees and pray to God. When all hope is so lost you can’t find your way, get on your knees and pray to God. I know it might seem silly. If you have to plead and yell and scream talk to God.

I know it might seem hopeless and pointless. I have one thing in life that has consistently given me the strength to keep going, that is God. I hope when you read this, you take these words to heart. Remember God is with you. Have a good night~Emma~

Life lesson

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Last week has been hell and I am so happy for the new week to start. Today spent the day or should I say most of the day playing with the team. I used to love playing the game. I guess sometimes I enjoy it more than others but not nearly as much as I used to. I hardly use it as a coping skill anymore. I used to find farming super relaxing. Now it’s just become a nuisance.

I guess most would assume I played the game so much because I was alone. They never understood the main reason for playing the game. After long years of being sick, I lost all social interactions. The game was a way to learn to speak to people again. After years of being in and out of hospital it became therapeutic. I lost my ability to form sentences while being sick. So playing the game helped me to learn to speak again and learn to be around others. Even though it was completely different from normal interactions, it was still very difficult for me.

Still today trying to say the right words can be difficult. Sometimes I run in circles in the conversation trying to break the loop and people don’t understand why. It’s hard to explain so I just don’t anymore. Most people think they understand and can relate but the truth is you can’t. Unless you have lived my life, you will never truly comprehend what it has felt like. I have met so many people that have said well why don’t you just find yourself a nice man. Without ever understanding that it has taken me years to get this far because I couldn’t even speak words. I am not victim nor do I need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know each day I wake up it is blessing for me. When you have lived in complete darkness, you learn to see the world through a different perspective. You embrace the light in the world. You embrace the happy moments in life. You embrace the small tiny things that make you smile. You embrace the silver lining in everything. You learn to embrace that even though you might not be in the sunshine or under a beautiful rainbow, somewhere in the world there is both. That is truly enough for me to have that strength to hold on and keep moving forward. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed week. May this one be a good week.

Secret skill

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What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?

The secret ability I wish I had was to not love so easily. I give my heart to the wrong people because I fall in love too easily. Is it love, admiration or simply giving of my heart away I don’t know. But I really wish I had the ability like so many others to keep it to myself. It’s hard to always be an open book. It’s hard for me and it’s hard for others. I try never pretend to be something I am not and always share my feelings. I wish I could ignore them I wish I had the ability to keep them to myself but I don’t. I get easily hurt and I immediately close the book on that chapter. Some might say I close it too quickly while others say I dwell for too long. Either way I learn my lesson and move on. But I do wish I had the skill to be able to not fall so hard and be so open about it.

Finding love

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How does one truly find love? Now I am not talking about the love of family, friends or even the love of God. Though all these are important, I am speaking of love from a partner.

I believe there must be a connection to the person, whether that be a person that is attractive to you by some sort of beauty, personality, a quality that makes them more outstanding than others.

I am one that personally goes by the smile I see on a man. For me a man that has a beautiful smile is absolutely a must. Not anything other than the fact that when a man has a genuine beautiful smile it usually means he will make me smile. I love to smile and I love to have someone that makes me laugh.

In a world filled with so much darkness it’s nice to have a companion that can make you smile. Smiling can change anyone’s day. It’s like walking into work and passing by a coworker that greets you with a genuine smile and says have a beautiful day. Somehow that makes you feel better, it brightens your day, it lightens your mood. Did that coworker know all that m, probably not nor did they probably think about it. But that coworker just changed your day. I use this as an example because it has happened to me and I am sure it has happened to you. It’s why I always speak about smiling because you never know whose day you might change just by a smile.

So this brings me back to love a smile is a definite for me. I have not found love yet and maybe when I find it I will know. It is extremely hard to find love today for the simple fact many men search for beauty, youthful girls and I cannot compete with a 20 year old. That just isn’t happening I have accepted that and I am completely fine with that. There are a lot of things girls that are single will do that I won’t. I have respect for myself and expect the same from the man I date.

There has to be more than just a smile that connects two people. There has to be more than attractiveness that connects two people. Both are fleeting and won’t make anything last.

There has to be things other than outside appearances that connect two people to truly make you find that connection. Common goals, common dreams, common beliefs, these are things I truly believe make connections last longer. Leading to the path of find love. Being able to have conversations with that person about anything because you trust them. Or even sit in silence with that person that is a connection very few have.

Love is a feeling. I love music, I love writing, I love walking dogs, I love playing with dogs, I love the seasons and when they change, I love Christmas, I love roses and how they are full of thorns. I love having conversations with men and learning about what they like and don’t like. I love hearing about passions. I love being myself and I love finding someone whom I can be myself with. I love a lot of things.

So I guess finding love is somewhere in between all that. Love is more than just feeling it’s also having that connection with a person. Going through the pain, happiness, sadness together that is love. Have I found it, not yet. But one can never lose hope. Hope is eternal and I like to keep hope alive always.

Advice to my teen self…

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What advice would you give to your teenage self?

The advice I would give myself as a teenager would be, “don’t allow anyone to control you. That starts by learning to not react to others. Learn self discipline and learn to control yourself. Learn that you can’t change anyone. Learn that you can’t control the circumstances of life. Learn to grow from each situation. Each thing that happens in life will be for a reason, even if you can’t see that now. Allowing your emotions to cloud your mind, leads to you making choices you might never have chosen if you had a clear mind. So allow yourself time to reflect. Allow yourself time to hurt. Allow yourself time to be alone, away from others. Allow yourself to be comfortable in the quietness of yourself. Never give anyone the power over you and that can only start by controlling yourself. Most of all don’t forget that no matter what, you are never truly alone. God will always be with you.”

Evil is what you are…

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Yesterday another shooter with gun in a “church”. It’s not the guns fault a lunatic decided to shoot a church. It’s not the fault of the gun that a lunatic decided he was going to shoot Christians. It wasn’t the guns fault a lunatic decided to point the gun into people just because they don’t believe his stupid ideology. I am sick and tired of people constantly blaming guns. It’s not the guns. The problem stems from the lack of God in people’s lives. This lunatic decided to do this because they are evil. Evil exists and instead of calling it evil we paint a brush over it calling it mental illness. This isn’t just a mental health problem it’s a problem that is based in a society that has completely forgotten its moral foundation. Our society lacks the basic morals of a functioning society. It saddens me that people use the tag mental health when this is evil. This man was evil, what he did was evil. He has no morals. He has no humanity for the life of other people. He deserves to be in cage all his life and treated like the animal he is. Evil is not mental illness nor is mental illness evil. If you have a mental health issue and decide to not get help but to continue to live in a delusional world, encouraged by people feeding into your delusions, you are evil and so are they. It’s time people start holding this evil accountable and stop blaming everyone in the mental health community. This lunatic is evil and I pray to God that people learn a lesson from this man. He is evil and everyone that encourages this type of behavior is just as evil. #eviliswhatyouare

Scars Fade

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How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?

Each life event we go through as human beings we either learn and grow from that experience. Or we learn nothing and stay in a perpetual state of victimhood. We are all struggling, fighting our own demons or just simply fighting life. It is through these trials that we become stronger and learn from our past mistakes. Not taking the time to learn from our past mistakes will allow us to continue making the same mistakes over and over again. I have learned in life that we must change our perspective, focus on the goals we wish to obtain and let go of the things that we cannot change. Doing this, I have allowed myself to become stronger and not defined by my past. This has also allowed me to be open about my feelings, my sickness and not hide who I am. It’s given me great strength. It has me freed me to be myself. Growing constantly into a better version of myself. It has given me the confidence that I need to be comfortable in my own skin. I may not be perfect, I am extremely flawed and extremely chaotic but I have learned there’s only one like me. Through time life events are like scars, they never really go away, but they fade. They stay a part of you as a lesson, but overtime you can hardly see them.