Tag: keep going

Wasted time

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It’s easy to forget why we even spoke. I found you to be incredibly interesting and a mystery to me. As time went on I started to see how truly amazing your thinking can be. It’s extremely important for you to understand that your way of thinking was something I never encountered before.

You were extremely helpful to me in learning about others and the way they think. I appreciate you taking the time to show me how to grow as an individual and to become more confident in myself. Though our paths maybe be different, it was enjoyable to have you during that time.

Our paths may never cross again but I did want to take time to thank you for being there. I learned a lot about myself and my own journey that I must take to grow. I also learned that communication and compromise must always be there, in order for anything to work. Regardless of the relationship, lovers, friends or family, communication and patience are a must. In order for any relationship to succeed one must be willing to compromise, understand and trust one another. Without those main elements the relationship will not be successful at all.

So even though we don’t talk anymore and time has gone by. May the next chapter of life, wherever it may take us, be a good chapter. So regardless of the outcome it was well worth the wasted time we spent together. ~Emma~

Life lesson

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Last week has been hell and I am so happy for the new week to start. Today spent the day or should I say most of the day playing with the team. I used to love playing the game. I guess sometimes I enjoy it more than others but not nearly as much as I used to. I hardly use it as a coping skill anymore. I used to find farming super relaxing. Now it’s just become a nuisance.

I guess most would assume I played the game so much because I was alone. They never understood the main reason for playing the game. After long years of being sick, I lost all social interactions. The game was a way to learn to speak to people again. After years of being in and out of hospital it became therapeutic. I lost my ability to form sentences while being sick. So playing the game helped me to learn to speak again and learn to be around others. Even though it was completely different from normal interactions, it was still very difficult for me.

Still today trying to say the right words can be difficult. Sometimes I run in circles in the conversation trying to break the loop and people don’t understand why. It’s hard to explain so I just don’t anymore. Most people think they understand and can relate but the truth is you can’t. Unless you have lived my life, you will never truly comprehend what it has felt like. I have met so many people that have said well why don’t you just find yourself a nice man. Without ever understanding that it has taken me years to get this far because I couldn’t even speak words. I am not victim nor do I need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know each day I wake up it is blessing for me. When you have lived in complete darkness, you learn to see the world through a different perspective. You embrace the light in the world. You embrace the happy moments in life. You embrace the small tiny things that make you smile. You embrace the silver lining in everything. You learn to embrace that even though you might not be in the sunshine or under a beautiful rainbow, somewhere in the world there is both. That is truly enough for me to have that strength to hold on and keep moving forward. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed week. May this one be a good week.

Secret skill

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What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?

The secret ability I wish I had was to not love so easily. I give my heart to the wrong people because I fall in love too easily. Is it love, admiration or simply giving of my heart away I don’t know. But I really wish I had the ability like so many others to keep it to myself. It’s hard to always be an open book. It’s hard for me and it’s hard for others. I try never pretend to be something I am not and always share my feelings. I wish I could ignore them I wish I had the ability to keep them to myself but I don’t. I get easily hurt and I immediately close the book on that chapter. Some might say I close it too quickly while others say I dwell for too long. Either way I learn my lesson and move on. But I do wish I had the skill to be able to not fall so hard and be so open about it.

White Flag by Dido

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I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you

Or tell you that

But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it

Where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and

Destruction to come back again

And I caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of it’s over

Then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I’m sure we will

All that was there

Will be there still

I’ll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I’ve moved on

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag abobe my door

I’m in love and always will be

Fighting

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It’s been a struggle for me the last few months with the ups and downs of the bipolar. I have decided again to try and find another therapist and try to find another group therapy to get into. I know I was doing much better during that time period but the program was cut because of funds. Ofc as we know mental health is the first program that get cut in the health industry. Especially when the state is making decisions as to where money goes. It’s been something I have struggled with for the last 2 years mainly because of the fact that my psychiatrist of many years died in 2020 and my therapist died two years ago. Bipolar ppl don’t deal good with changes and this year losing my another good therapist due to funding in hospital program along with my group therapy that I attended weekly. Adding the loss of my dog, uncle and losing friends. So for a few months the lack of therapy has definitely taken a toll and finally I have no choice but to try and find myself both. Without any therapy I will end up spiraling completely out of control so I know I must get back to the basics and find another. Unfortunately it’s not easy and exhausting to constantly look for another group or even just a good therapist. I write this blog to vent my frustrations with just the whole process and lack of help that is out there for myself and ppl like me. People wonder why there is such a crisis when it comes to mental health, I don’t. I know the main problems but unfortunately I cannot solve them. I have tried endlessly to speak out but no one actually wants to help the mental health community or the effects it has on people. They just don’t care. As in life we must choose to either get ourselves up or let life devour us. I know my story seems silly but unfortunately it’s the truth. I at least have my faith in God which is unwavering. So I know in the end I still hold onto hope. I hope if you read this and have no hope you find some strength inside yourself, ask God for help but do ask for help. hope you have a blessed weekend.

Be the light

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What is your mission?

To find the path God wants me on. I want to be an explain of His love and His patience. He has given me so much I want to repay that by showing what He had done for me. I want to be the light He gave me in my darkest moments. Also to bring awareness to the mental health issues and how is the only answer.

Cry for love : The Mary Onettes

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Because of your mother

I can’t seem to forget

That our love is a trembling one

And healthy to my soul

Because of your father

You’ve got a hole in your trust

And when I see you hide it I wish I could

Remove it from your heart

In silence I make promises

I’m lying still in the dark

And because of your peaceful soul

I keep thinking to myself

Don’t, don’t, don’t cry for love

Cry for love

Don’t, don’t, don’t cry for love

Cry for love

Don’t you cry for love

It’s a part of our path

Think about the way

Things were left to be

It’s a raging sea

And colors that you won’t be

Here to see

And it’s just a matter of time

Till they put me in the grave

Till they put you in the grave

So I don’t, don’t, don’t, cry for love

I don’t cry for love

Three years

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What will your life be like in three years?

To be honest I have no clue. I can hope for certain things in life. But the truth of the matter is we plan our future but life happens. So I will keep planning for my future but will any of my goals happen I don’t know. Because I can only my control each day and none of us our promised tomorrow. The world seems really dark and I prefer to try to keep seeing the light. So what will my life be like in 3 years only God knows I just hope I will be happy and still grateful for each moment I am alive.