Talking to a young boy I found he was cold. Maybe smart but not very nice. Very dismissive but I can blame myself. I tend to talk too much and share too much of myself when talking to people. It’s a very big flaw I know and I am working at it. I do find that sometimes being that way helps me to not hide who I am. I am not ashamed of being myself but I do forget others don’t like talking to other people and feel it might waste their time. So in that sense I was wrong to have wasted his time. I guess we all try to think we are speaking to people but we aren’t. In the digital age we are nothing more than avatars exchanging bits of information. So in that aspect you really never actually speak to the person like if you were to speak to them in real life. It was an interesting experience and it’s not his fault, it’s no one’s fault. We have become so separated yet are so close just by the tap of the screen but still worlds away from one another. Another day still grateful for another lesson learned.
Tag: games
Life lesson
Last week has been hell and I am so happy for the new week to start. Today spent the day or should I say most of the day playing with the team. I used to love playing the game. I guess sometimes I enjoy it more than others but not nearly as much as I used to. I hardly use it as a coping skill anymore. I used to find farming super relaxing. Now it’s just become a nuisance.
I guess most would assume I played the game so much because I was alone. They never understood the main reason for playing the game. After long years of being sick, I lost all social interactions. The game was a way to learn to speak to people again. After years of being in and out of hospital it became therapeutic. I lost my ability to form sentences while being sick. So playing the game helped me to learn to speak again and learn to be around others. Even though it was completely different from normal interactions, it was still very difficult for me.
Still today trying to say the right words can be difficult. Sometimes I run in circles in the conversation trying to break the loop and people don’t understand why. It’s hard to explain so I just don’t anymore. Most people think they understand and can relate but the truth is you can’t. Unless you have lived my life, you will never truly comprehend what it has felt like. I have met so many people that have said well why don’t you just find yourself a nice man. Without ever understanding that it has taken me years to get this far because I couldn’t even speak words. I am not victim nor do I need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know each day I wake up it is blessing for me. When you have lived in complete darkness, you learn to see the world through a different perspective. You embrace the light in the world. You embrace the happy moments in life. You embrace the small tiny things that make you smile. You embrace the silver lining in everything. You learn to embrace that even though you might not be in the sunshine or under a beautiful rainbow, somewhere in the world there is both. That is truly enough for me to have that strength to hold on and keep moving forward. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed week. May this one be a good week.
Moody AF
It’s been a super moody day for me. I am in such a bad mood, I have tried all my coping strategies to try and change it. Nothing has worked so far unfortunately. Maybe it was the whole weekend I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do about it. I walked this morning with the dogs, played with them, played the game, it’s this sour moody cloud over me that has set in. It has made me just unbearable. Everything is pissing me off, especially things that wouldn’t piss me off usually are definitely pissing me off. I am trying to be the positive person that doesn’t want to get too upset or too down on myself. This morning seemed fine but I quickly turned. I think the problem is me and it’s always been me. I invest so much of my energy to others that I forget about myself. I don’t even know why I do it. It’s like complete insanity yet I still do it. I know just another rant about my thoughts. I hope your weekend was better than mine. I am still grateful for the small victories. It’s just this cloud over me doesn’t feel good right now and I feel I am to blame somehow. As if I was the one that set myself up to fall into the pit. I end this Sunday blog with a small victory for me today. The team(game team) I am currently playing with locked with a seat of power. It really isn’t a big deal, wasn’t even a big seat of power but the amazing feeling of getting that sop brought me back to my first big clan I joined. And when we first locked with our first 3 star. We were so excited about it, from that point on it was a fight every weekend. Took months of hard work but we finally found ourselves holding everything. I bring it up because it was definitely the highlight of the day and it brought me back to a time that was so much simpler. So even in the midst of darkness God shines his light to remind me things will get better. I hope today is a blessed day for you all. ~Emma~
Emma the Mizfit 