Tag: fight

Life lesson

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Last week has been hell and I am so happy for the new week to start. Today spent the day or should I say most of the day playing with the team. I used to love playing the game. I guess sometimes I enjoy it more than others but not nearly as much as I used to. I hardly use it as a coping skill anymore. I used to find farming super relaxing. Now it’s just become a nuisance.

I guess most would assume I played the game so much because I was alone. They never understood the main reason for playing the game. After long years of being sick, I lost all social interactions. The game was a way to learn to speak to people again. After years of being in and out of hospital it became therapeutic. I lost my ability to form sentences while being sick. So playing the game helped me to learn to speak again and learn to be around others. Even though it was completely different from normal interactions, it was still very difficult for me.

Still today trying to say the right words can be difficult. Sometimes I run in circles in the conversation trying to break the loop and people don’t understand why. It’s hard to explain so I just don’t anymore. Most people think they understand and can relate but the truth is you can’t. Unless you have lived my life, you will never truly comprehend what it has felt like. I have met so many people that have said well why don’t you just find yourself a nice man. Without ever understanding that it has taken me years to get this far because I couldn’t even speak words. I am not victim nor do I need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know each day I wake up it is blessing for me. When you have lived in complete darkness, you learn to see the world through a different perspective. You embrace the light in the world. You embrace the happy moments in life. You embrace the small tiny things that make you smile. You embrace the silver lining in everything. You learn to embrace that even though you might not be in the sunshine or under a beautiful rainbow, somewhere in the world there is both. That is truly enough for me to have that strength to hold on and keep moving forward. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed week. May this one be a good week.

Finding love

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How does one truly find love? Now I am not talking about the love of family, friends or even the love of God. Though all these are important, I am speaking of love from a partner.

I believe there must be a connection to the person, whether that be a person that is attractive to you by some sort of beauty, personality, a quality that makes them more outstanding than others.

I am one that personally goes by the smile I see on a man. For me a man that has a beautiful smile is absolutely a must. Not anything other than the fact that when a man has a genuine beautiful smile it usually means he will make me smile. I love to smile and I love to have someone that makes me laugh.

In a world filled with so much darkness it’s nice to have a companion that can make you smile. Smiling can change anyone’s day. It’s like walking into work and passing by a coworker that greets you with a genuine smile and says have a beautiful day. Somehow that makes you feel better, it brightens your day, it lightens your mood. Did that coworker know all that m, probably not nor did they probably think about it. But that coworker just changed your day. I use this as an example because it has happened to me and I am sure it has happened to you. It’s why I always speak about smiling because you never know whose day you might change just by a smile.

So this brings me back to love a smile is a definite for me. I have not found love yet and maybe when I find it I will know. It is extremely hard to find love today for the simple fact many men search for beauty, youthful girls and I cannot compete with a 20 year old. That just isn’t happening I have accepted that and I am completely fine with that. There are a lot of things girls that are single will do that I won’t. I have respect for myself and expect the same from the man I date.

There has to be more than just a smile that connects two people. There has to be more than attractiveness that connects two people. Both are fleeting and won’t make anything last.

There has to be things other than outside appearances that connect two people to truly make you find that connection. Common goals, common dreams, common beliefs, these are things I truly believe make connections last longer. Leading to the path of find love. Being able to have conversations with that person about anything because you trust them. Or even sit in silence with that person that is a connection very few have.

Love is a feeling. I love music, I love writing, I love walking dogs, I love playing with dogs, I love the seasons and when they change, I love Christmas, I love roses and how they are full of thorns. I love having conversations with men and learning about what they like and don’t like. I love hearing about passions. I love being myself and I love finding someone whom I can be myself with. I love a lot of things.

So I guess finding love is somewhere in between all that. Love is more than just feeling it’s also having that connection with a person. Going through the pain, happiness, sadness together that is love. Have I found it, not yet. But one can never lose hope. Hope is eternal and I like to keep hope alive always.

Keep it moving

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?

Well it depends today is a rainy day. On rainy days I feel lazy and without energy. I feel like just sleeping unfortunately I can’t sleep the whole day away. So I will just keep going and do everything I do everyday. Keep moving forward. Have a beautiful day.

Lost at Sea

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I feel so stupid when we talk. Not because I can’t talk to you but because you make me feel dumb. You say I spin in circles and you are right. I try so hard not to but I am trying to fix that and make it right. I hate the feeling of disappointment I hear in your voice. I hate feeling like no matter what I do you I will never be your choice. I hate that I care. I hate that I become jealous for reasons I can’t explain. I hate that when I talk to you I feel safe. I hate that when I say something you get so mad. I especially hate when you make me laugh. I want to stay mad but can’t. I want to hate you but I can’t. I hate to care and think of you all the time. I know you don’t have feelings but that doesn’t change mine. Lost in the deep sea of reflection. Darkness consuming my mind. Trying to escape in the incoming flood. Lost in the sea of your non existent callous heart. ~Emma~

Sleepless nights

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Every night I head to bed, take my medication to help me sleep but recently haven’t been able to sleep the whole night. I used to think it was the stress I am under. I am doing a lot of different projects at once and that could be the reason. On the other hand I was sleeping just fine a couple of months ago. So what changed? At this very moment I have no clue I fell asleep about 12:30-1:00am. I was tired and had a long day taking care of the dogs. So again I was tired, played my games and headed to bed. Now here I am at 4:04 am in the morning wondering how is this my new normal. I went from sleeping the whole night to sleeping just a few hours. Like I said fell asleep around 12-1 and I woke up about 3:30 half hour later I am still trying to fall back asleep. I really can’t shut my mind off and I praying God helps me. Let’s hope. I will try to head to bed again hoping this time will be the moment I fall asleep. I will let you know how good that works tomorrow. Nite ~Emma~

Cut ties

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Stop waiting for people that don’t give a crap about you to accept you. You look for validation from people that should not even be on your radar. So my advice, from my own personal experience is to just move on, do not look back. Whoever is left behind, never deserved to be in your presence. Have a blessed weekend. ~Emma~

Quiet Friday

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This week has not been a good week. With the loss of my uncle at the start of the week to just a lot going on my mind. Its just been everywhere is pretty hard to explain. It’s hard to find anything positive when we look at our world. So tonight I ask for you to take time for some self care. I don’t care if it’s sitting in a room reading a book, listening to some peaceful music while playing games, just simply take time to calm your mind. It can be extremely easy to fall into bad habits when we lose focus on our goals. It’s easy to become super depressed when there is a loss. You question how fragile life is and why do we have to endure such pain? These are questions we might never find answers to but try to find some sort of peace in this moment. For tomorrow we are not guaranteed to wake up and tell the ones we love that we did love them. So tell them you love them and look in the mirror and say you are loved. You might not believe it, you might find you will never find love. But we can change our mind the more you repeat it, you will change your perspective. Have a beautiful Friday night. May the peace of God fill your hearts. I know it’s not easy but life was never supposed to be easy. Be grateful for this moment and for even being able to read this post. Many blessings to you all. ~Emma~

Never lose hope

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As each day goes by, I am reminded that people are not good. I try to think the good will eventually win I mean I believe in God, so I do believe that good will eventually win. But I also see the darkness that is spreading around. I see it seeping into the souls of people, pettiness, the evil thoughts that they just become. I don’t doubt God I don’t doubt that one day this will all end. It’s impossible for us to continue to walk in this darkness. I do have to say that I am disheartened by the reality of the people that I see in the world. It breaks my heart to see a generation growing up, looking at this future that is just so grim. I do hope that the future is better. I do hope tomorrow is better. I do hope and I will continue to hope that each day gets better. It’s weird when I was young I used to not think so much. As an adult, you’re constantly thinking of everything, thinking of life, thinking the choices you’ve made, thinking of just every single thing. I was once called a romantic because I believe in happy endings. I guess I am the kind of person that does believe that good does prevail at the end of the day, even if that’s not what happens in reality. I think if we lose that hope the grim reality of darkness takes a hold of us and we become the monsters that are running the earth now. I hope tomorrow is a beautiful day not just for you, but also for me. I hope each new day gets better for all of us, and I hope we never lose that hope. Have a blessed night. ~Emma~

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?

A few weeks ago I told someone I liked them. They wanted to remain friends. I don’t regret it at all we are still friends and we can still just chat for hours. I would regret never telling them how I felt. I would rather feel pain for a minute than live with regret my whole life. Our life on this earth is too short to live with a mountain of regret. So even if it might cause you pain I say take the risk, you will never know how the story might go if you never try.

Silver Lining

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

I have been in such a bad mood. I have tried to get out of it unfortunately it’s been holding on to me. I went for my usual long walk with my sister to see if I could shake it. 2miles later still felt like crap. It does seem to happen around a certain time of the month which I am sure that ties into it. I try to be a positive force for others that might be going through the same but unfortunately even I can’t be that positive force all the time. I just wanted to share that even though I cannot be that positive force all the time there are people around me that try to be when they know I am not in a good place. So even though I am still in a very negative mood. I hope your day is filled with people that help you get into a better mind set. It’s not easy nothing in life is but never give up. Not every day is filled with sunshine and rainbows but each day of life is a new day to find hope and a silver lining. May your day be filled with both. ~Emma~