Tag: feelings

Feelings

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Do you need a break? From what?

I need a break from my feelings. I am one of those people that cares about everything and everyone. Constantly worried about people that no longer have a place in my life. I worry about them not knowing if they are okay or doing well. It’s just a super annoying feeling to constantly have feelings about other people. Especially people that can’t even be bothered to care about you. I know I shouldn’t care, I know I shouldn’t worry, I know I should just ignore it all but I still care. So yeah I wish I could take a break from feeling anything. I wish I could be as heartless as others. I wish I could be free from feelings, unfortunately I am not and it is part of who I am.

Scars Fade

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How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?

Each life event we go through as human beings we either learn and grow from that experience. Or we learn nothing and stay in a perpetual state of victimhood. We are all struggling, fighting our own demons or just simply fighting life. It is through these trials that we become stronger and learn from our past mistakes. Not taking the time to learn from our past mistakes will allow us to continue making the same mistakes over and over again. I have learned in life that we must change our perspective, focus on the goals we wish to obtain and let go of the things that we cannot change. Doing this, I have allowed myself to become stronger and not defined by my past. This has also allowed me to be open about my feelings, my sickness and not hide who I am. It’s given me great strength. It has me freed me to be myself. Growing constantly into a better version of myself. It has given me the confidence that I need to be comfortable in my own skin. I may not be perfect, I am extremely flawed and extremely chaotic but I have learned there’s only one like me. Through time life events are like scars, they never really go away, but they fade. They stay a part of you as a lesson, but overtime you can hardly see them.

White Flag by Dido

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I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you

Or tell you that

But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it

Where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and

Destruction to come back again

And I caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of it’s over

Then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I’m sure we will

All that was there

Will be there still

I’ll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I’ve moved on

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag abobe my door

I’m in love and always will be

Sports

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What are your favorite sports to watch and play?

My favorite sport to watch is football. I also like watching hockey mainly because it’s super violent and there is always a fight that breaks out. 🤣 I probably would love watching the UFC fights but it becomes too graphic with the fight so I am in between those two stages. I don’t play sports at all.

Dune series

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What books do you want to read?

There are so many books I want to read. The last book I read was Dune I want to read the second book. I have bought all the books in the dune series. So it’s just a matter of making time to sit down and read them. I was able to read the first Dune book because I traveled by car to Florida, long drive. But I haven’t had a chance to get enough time to read the rest in the series. I keep telling myself I will but have yet to find time.

MOMA

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Name an attraction or town close to home that you still haven’t got around to visiting.

MOMA also known as the Museum of Modern Art. I live right by the City but have yet to actually visit that museum. It’s crazy that someone can live right next to something so many visitors visit yearly and here I am not sure why I haven’t visited. 🤣 It’s on my list of things to do before I leave this area but still haven’t done it. In fairness there are a lot of attractions by me. But yes it is on my list to see before I permanently leave and I will visit it one day just not yet. There are a few places I would like to visit in this area before I leave.

No regrets

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If you could make your pet understand one thing, what would it be?

If I could make my pet understand one thing it would probably be how much I will miss them when they are gone. The life of a dog is so short and time flies right by. They go from pups to old dogs so fast. It’s hard to love someone knowing it will not last but still you love them with all your heart. It’s like when I said in my vlog, I tell people how I feel about them. If I love you, I will say it because I don’t ever want to live with regrets. Life happens so fast and quickly you can be here and gone tomorrow. It’s better to have said your thoughts today because tomorrow isn’t promised. I loved my dog Spencer with all my heart losing him last year was a big blow. But I don’t regret loving him. I won’t regret loving another dog because in the end even the short time shared with them, is worth it.

Fighting

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It’s been a struggle for me the last few months with the ups and downs of the bipolar. I have decided again to try and find another therapist and try to find another group therapy to get into. I know I was doing much better during that time period but the program was cut because of funds. Ofc as we know mental health is the first program that get cut in the health industry. Especially when the state is making decisions as to where money goes. It’s been something I have struggled with for the last 2 years mainly because of the fact that my psychiatrist of many years died in 2020 and my therapist died two years ago. Bipolar ppl don’t deal good with changes and this year losing my another good therapist due to funding in hospital program along with my group therapy that I attended weekly. Adding the loss of my dog, uncle and losing friends. So for a few months the lack of therapy has definitely taken a toll and finally I have no choice but to try and find myself both. Without any therapy I will end up spiraling completely out of control so I know I must get back to the basics and find another. Unfortunately it’s not easy and exhausting to constantly look for another group or even just a good therapist. I write this blog to vent my frustrations with just the whole process and lack of help that is out there for myself and ppl like me. People wonder why there is such a crisis when it comes to mental health, I don’t. I know the main problems but unfortunately I cannot solve them. I have tried endlessly to speak out but no one actually wants to help the mental health community or the effects it has on people. They just don’t care. As in life we must choose to either get ourselves up or let life devour us. I know my story seems silly but unfortunately it’s the truth. I at least have my faith in God which is unwavering. So I know in the end I still hold onto hope. I hope if you read this and have no hope you find some strength inside yourself, ask God for help but do ask for help. hope you have a blessed weekend.

Bear my feelings

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Describe an item you were incredibly attached to as a youth. What became of it?

I have a Winnie the Pooh bear that was given to me I believe it was my first boyfriend but I don’t really remember who gave it to me. Regardless during my sickness and my darkest time Winnie was always there with me. Every night I went to bed he slept next to me. When I was hospitalized, when I traveled Winnie was always with me. It’s been a couple of years since he has slept with me hugging him but he still is in my room. I think he was my security blanket. When I had horrible dreams he was the one I held tight to. He was my comfort, he is so old and worn from being washed his colors have faded but he is still my favorite bear. When I am down I will still hug him to make myself feel better.