Trying to get through the week. It’s only Tuesday and I am so over it. Heading to bed wondering why I even care. Care for people that are selfish and only care for themselves. I put myself out there because I am told over and over again not everyone is the same. In my most recent years I have learned that’s exactly what people are all the same. There is not point in trying to build relationships with people. Regardless if it’s friendship or anything else today people are cold and uncaring. Save yourself because no one cares. I speak a lot about being the change you want to see in the world. I want to still hold on to that but I am afraid my faith is falling. I have been hurt too many times to think anyone is different. So I end my night with this post I hope your week is better than mine. ~Emma~
Tag: family
What are the most important things needed to live a good life?
The most important things needed in my life to live a good life is…
One- my relationship with God. I have nothing without Him in my life. Through the darkest times in my life he was the only One that has always been there never leaving my side. For me I can’t have a good life if God is not in it.
Two- my health. When I speak of my health I don’t just mean healthy life style, eating food and working out. I am also talking about my mental health. It is just as important to eat well as it is to have good coping skills, seeking therapy, having a back up plan. To some this might seem silly but for a person who has mental health issues it’s extremely important to stay on top of your own condition. It is a way you can learn to grow and become a more independent person and not be in the dark space of mental illness. I am a firm believer in having these skills and ways to help one always know when they might be sliding down a path they can’t come back from.
For me having both of these no matter how dark life may get, no matter how many people you lose life is always good.
Know the difference
The best person to be around is someone that listens to you. Someone that accepts you and your crazy ways. One that still takes the extra time to let you know they will always be there for you no matter what. One that you never feel that you are constantly letting down by being yourself. If you find someone like that hold on to them. Because not everyone you meet will be that way in life. You will find many that will judge, cast stones, speak to you like you are stupid and dumb. Those are the ones you avoid. Because those people aren’t friends they are enemies learn the difference. ~Emma~
Till we meet again
Today my uncle passed away surrounded by his loved ones. He was not a perfect man, did many wrong things but the man loved God. His passion for loving The Lord was extraordinary. I didn’t always agree in a lot of his ways, but there is no doubt He loved God and that I respected. He will be missed by all of us. But one day we all be in heaven together again. Laughing and embracing each other reminiscing of a time that past. Though tears sting my eyes my heart is filled with joy. For the pain will subside but the love will be there forever with us. Till we meet again, may God be with you till we meet again. ~Emma~
Today
Today has been an extremely busy day for me. I am working on like 4 different projects. I would like to say that keeping as busy as I am now, does distract me from feeling anything. Which I would like to say is a good thing for the moment. Sometimes the best way to keep from thinking or dwelling on something is to keep busy. So if you are having a rough day just remember you aren’t alone. Many feel the way you feel. Just try to focus on one blessing today. One victory no matter how small it may be. You can get through this day you just need to believe in yourself. Have a beautiful blessed day. ~Emma~
Not okay
I wish I could write a happy note and be positive but it has escaped me. Right at this very moment I am extremely hurt. I can’t even begin to explain the pain I feel but it has taken a hold of me. When you find that you have loved someone so much but they have disregarded you as piece of shit it is soul crushing. It makes me mad, angry, and just utterly broken. I will never be like that no matter how broken I feel. I won’t be like that person or the people that defend this person. I have lost a part of my heart probably to never find it again. All I can do is mourn it and let it go eventually. There is no point in trying to find or let anyone understand what you feel. They see things through their eyes and only their eyes, you can’t change that. It’s just heartbreaking and I am not okay with it. ~Emma~
Written in the afternoon before Christmas Eve family gathering
Today wasn’t any better my mood spiked to further level of down. Sat on my bed crying for about an hour before trying to find something to wear. I wish I could say I felt better and I did this morning when I woke up. I got up and decided to try and smile and put myself to work doing different things to get excited. Unfortunately something triggered me into a downward spiral of just feeling like completely angered and out of control. The truth is I knew it was happening but couldn’t stop myself from just losing complete control. I did end up in my room pleading with God to help me, I cried as I laid in bed. I finally got up again and here I am getting dressed, trying to get excited for tonight and smile for everyone around. One of the most important things for me, is to know when I have lost control and try avoid things that will bring me into that state of mind. It’s one of my coping skills and asking God just for the strength to get up again is enough for me to get up. I did cry in a full blown crying fit and as I write this I am still not carefree. It’s a matter of knowing I will never be “normal” like others and learning to just be happy being myself. It’s not easy I wish I could say it is but it is not. It is something I must fight everyday, every single morning and throughout the day. If fighting bipolar was as easy as taking a pill and walking around happy everyone that suffers from it would be happy. Unfortunately reality is much more harsh than some dream pill to make you feel like you are normal. It’s a fight that you have to be willing to fight and if I can fight it so can you. So if you reading this right now and suffer from it or know someone that suffers from it. Just know you aren’t alone and it’s extremely hard but you can do it. And to all those whom hold the person that suffers from the illness don’t give up because they need you more than you will ever know. I do hope this Christmas is blessed for all of you. ~Emma~
Christmas message
It’s the night for me before Christmas Eve. It should be one filled with joy and happiness. Unfortunately with me being sick most of the month I haven’t felt joyful to say the least. I have been reading this Bible plan which talks about Christmas and the true meaning and how much we have forgotten about what it truly means. I guess that’s why I am truly sad about. Christmas no longer is about Christ’s birth. No it’s about gifts and it’s about dinners and what to wear how to dress what to decorate. Today I worked my ass off decorating our family room making sure it is perfect for anyone coming over. As I did that my sister took off with my niece and brother. I guess it wouldn’t bother me so much but the fact that here I am trying to make it perfect for no one. Because the truth is no one cares. I cared and put all my effort into something no one will give a shit about. It broke my heart and made me super angry. Why do I continue the cycle of insanity of trying to make others happy even as I feel like complete crap? Why am I still freaking doing everything I can to make them happy when in the end you truly have no one that actually cares or is even willing to give you the time you want. This used to be my favorite season and I wish I could say it has been one thing that took that from me but it wasn’t. No it’s been a long month of crap that just stripped it all from me and it was today that I decided I don’t want any part of it. My sister and mother say it’s just me throwing my usual tantrum but they don’t get it. How hard it has been on me personally but the truth is they don’t care. No one cares how you feel or how your mind turns. They only care of themselves and what they are going through to actually care about others. They don’t care about you they say they do but the truth is when you feel the loneliest no one is there. So my my friends tonight might be my last post for a few days. But regardless of how my Christmas will be I do hope for you all to have a wonderful one. I wish I could give you a positive attitude but at this moment I am too down to actually be positive about anything. God is my strength and with him I will carry on. No matter how anyone makes me feel I will hold hope by holding his hand. And I hope for the rest of you that feel the way I do at this moment you do the same. Hope by holding the hand of God, you have nothing to lose by holding on to him for strength. That’s the only thing I can give you. Merry Christmas everyone. ~Emma~
Feel the magic
There is something so magical about this time of the year. No matter how crappy I feel I can’t stop smiling. People that don’t believe in Jesus Christ I can’t understand how you can not feel the magic of the season. Either way I hope everyone is doing well listening to Christmas music. And just try enjoying the beautiful season no stress just enjoy the moments of the season. Have a beautiful night. ~Emma~
What does one do? – Random Thoughts
How to please people all around you without pleasing yourself? No matter the decision you make you will be wrong. There is no pleasing anyone. We live in society filled with narcissistic personalities. “The only factor is me and what I want and fk anyone who thinks differently.” Which I could understand but there is a flaw in that thinking. The people we love must always be taken into account when making decisions. It’s not just about me and what I want. We must learn to balance the selfish desire to do what we want and the desire to make the people we love happy. Both are constantly fighting for dominance but at the end only balancing both will bring you to the level of contentment one can only wish to have in this life. I would love to be selfish and think of just myself but an adult must always try to balance their own desires and the desires of the good of the ones around them. To be a kid again and selfish only seeing the moment now instead of five mins into the future. It does bring a sort of sadness to my heart. For we all give a lot for the ones we love without ever truly getting as much back. We can only hope that one day we will be rewarded for throwing our own selfish desires into the back trunk. I hope everyone has a beautiful day. Be grateful even for the small things that bring you pleasure. Many never even get to have that, but today walk with a smile knowing just like me you aren’t alone.
Emma the Mizfit 