Tag: death

Can’t sleep

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I am writing this at three in the morning. Today was a really good day. I can’t complain, but I can’t sleep. I worked out, went to PT, did acupuncture, it really was a good day. I mean every day that you’re alive is a good day isn’t it?

Unfortunately sleeping is my biggest problem right now. My dreams have been filled with nightmares of darkness. I get the same ones over and over.

Most of my dreams are centered around seeing things I shouldn’t see. I am usually walking in the city. There are flames and fires everywhere, there are dead bodies all over the place. Everything is destroyed in that and there I am just walking in the midst of all that chaos and destruction. It’s a dream that I’ve had over and over again. I don’t know why I have it yet I dream it over and over again.

Sometimes I wonder if they will ever stop. Right after I start thinking that I get like five dreams in a row crazy dreams. It’s funny because so many people I ask “do you dream” and their answer is always “no”. When I go to bed the moment I fall asleep I am dreaming all night from dream to dream to dream. Hopefully tonight I get to sleep, even if it’s dream and dream and dream.

I hope tonight you have wonderful dreams always ~Emma~

Dream last night..

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Dream 4:15 am

I don’t want to write this but I will. For I believe this is the future and death of my mother. The day is sad and I hear people crying. Looking around I don’t know what is happening. Somber faces with looks of pity on every face. I am filled with this immense amount of despair within my heart. My best friend is gone. My confident, my anchor, my love is gone. Words I speak in front of faceless eyes. Condolences they offer as the smell of flowers fill my mind. The joy and laughter I was once knew has disappeared from the world I knew. More days to hug her and say I love you. More time go tell her my stories. More time to just breathe the air with her. We knew the day would come but the feeling of despair and heartbreak I wasn’t prepared for. My heart feels a part has died. I see all around but I can’t breathe I don’t know why. It feels like a dream will I wake up. The sun is shining it’s a beautiful day outside not a cloud in the sky. I can’t see myself but I know I am there. I see my siblings with me right there. My chest feels heavy when I try to breathe but I know God let me see. The dream is of the day I lose my mom. My rock and the foundation of whom I am. She loved me at my worst and held me at my best. Today I wake from this dream knowing she is still in my world. Don’t know how much time I have but God showed me this point. The reason I don’t know. I write this filled with joy and sadness in my heart. I know I will see her when I get up. But one day when this dream has come to pass I will know God gave me this moment to make it last. Even as I write these words trying not to stress I know my love for her will never end. Death may come one day to take her from us. But today I thank God for another day with my mom. 

This was a dream I had on December 10 at 4 am. I wrote as much as I could remember and try to keep the details right in my head. Laying in the dark I try not to feel dread I hope this doesn’t happen for many years to come. But I know God gave me this dream to show whatever happens next. I also believe he showed me to tell me I will be able to get through this dark time. The sky is a color blue I have never seen before. Birds chirping in the air. The spring breeze flows through the air. I look to the sky with deep sorrow in my eyes I love you mom are the only words to escape my silent mind. Tears filled in my sister’s eyes she hugs me as we cry. I wake up with pain and shocked did I just see her death. I don’t know but it was a dream I felt. A little shaken I hear my sister take out the dogs. I look in the camera she is feeding Luna with QVC on. I get up to go pee I should be asleep. But here I write this of the dream I just had.

Memorial Day Weekend

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As we go forth this Memorial Day weekend on the many bbq around in the States, with everyone enjoying time with the fam. Don’t forget to take time out to remember the men and women that have died for this great country.

I know many may feel that America is on a decline. This might be true morally, our country has been invaded by this Marxist ideology being pushed in schools and pretty much everywhere.

With that said I still have hope for this beautiful country. I pray God will hear the prayers of the patriots that pray for the healing of this great nation. That we can come together as Americans in the belief like our founders did. Give me freedom or give me death.

So on this weekend as you celebrate please remember those that did just that. To give you freedom they faced death. Shedding their blood for the American people, for the American dream. No matter what the color of your skin, no matter that background anyone can make it. May God bless the members that have lost family fighting for our freedom. Bless the men and women that have all paid the ultimate price to give us the freedoms we take for granted.

On reflection I hope many will think about what we take for granted. Freedom isn’t free it is purchased by the sacrifice of someone else.

Jesus Christ died for our freedom from this life and paid with His blood. The men and woman that died for our freedom in America paid with their lives. Never forget that.

I hope it is a blessed weekend and safe one.

God Bless the USA 🇺🇸

~Emma~

Am I the problem

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Last night I got into a fight with someone. He is a friend or I would like to think we are friends. Sometimes I wonder if he even considers me a friend or just someone that annoys him. I was upset because I don’t have many friends so after the death of my beloved Spencer last Friday I was feeling really down and depressed. I spent an hour crying and after crying I got super mad. Maybe I pointed the anger the wrong way which I can admit but it also made me wonder why this person didn’t even reach out to see if I am okay. We spoke several times through the day but not once did he ask. Maybe I am wrong to have expected anything from anyone only setting myself for disappointment. But I truly believed it was different with us that our friendship was genuine and true. But maybe the only fool was me for actually believing that we were friends. Or maybe I thought of the relationship as more than it was. I really don’t want to believe that but then again I have been told I am delusional, chaotic and a drama queen. So adding to that growing list, clueless and stupid wouldn’t be that far out there. I wanted to end this on a positive note so I will finish with this. After telling this person I was mad at them, would not talk to them because I was pissed that they didn’t even reach out. I was told that it was my choice to not speak to them and when I do decide to speak to them they won’t be around. Which brings me back to my main concern which is am I the problem and was it my fault that caused the situation. Am I the one who is being unreasonable with just expecting someone to just reach out to see if I am okay. Or am I just dumb to even think of us as friends? I leave the question to you hopefully you can answer me. It’s clear his answer will be nothing but crickets so I do hope someone can give me some good advice. Maybe I am delusional but I don’t know what to do. I keep giving my heart in these friendships and I am constantly abandoned by the same people that say they will be there. Maybe I am seeing something that isn’t there. Am I the problem? ~Emma~

Spencer greatest Frenchie ever!!!!

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Today I found out I need to put my baby boy (dog) Spencer to sleep. I wish I could be more joyful but unfortunately this post won’t be joyful just sad. This little Frenchie came into my life 10 years ago. He was a whirlwind of just love and energy. He slept on my bed on his pillow that I had given him with his sheets. The sheets consisted of a pink playboy blanket that was super soft that he loved. On top of him he had a Tinkerbell blanket or the Dallas Cowboys blanket. He loved sleeping with them because my room was cold. We used to go for walks in the park and he loved walking. As he got older he would get more tired but he still loved walking even if he could hardly breathe on our walks. My sister lost her dog two years after I got Spencer. While she was grieving her loss I would let Spencer comfort her. It did cause a bit of struggle between us because she basically took ownership of him. But Spencer in the end had two mothers that loved him more than life itself. He continues to fight so I just pray that God have mercy and put him to rest. It will be painful to live without him but I wouldn’t trade one moment with him for not having this pain. The pain in my heart just reminds me how much I love him. In the end it is all worth the sadness and grief. So my message on this warm night is to be present in life and enjoy each moment for nothing last forever but the love we give each other. Have a beautiful day/night. ~Emma~

Till we meet again

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Today my uncle passed away surrounded by his loved ones. He was not a perfect man, did many wrong things but the man loved God. His passion for loving The Lord was extraordinary. I didn’t always agree in a lot of his ways, but there is no doubt He loved God and that I respected. He will be missed by all of us. But one day we all be in heaven together again. Laughing and embracing each other reminiscing of a time that past. Though tears sting my eyes my heart is filled with joy. For the pain will subside but the love will be there forever with us. Till we meet again, may God be with you till we meet again. ~Emma~

Fear Death

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Death is all I see

Death is all I smell

Death is all I taste

The vipers hanging from the well

Haunting and hissing making the rounds

Chasing me down

In my dreams

In my past

In my life

Death is all I feel when I look around

As daggers pierce my eyes

There is no love here

Never to be found

Death doesn’t pardon any one of us

Even the good ones

Faced stained with blood

Lips sown shut

Fears of darkness consuming all of us

Death to dust fighting time for every night

Close my eyes and see your face

Hallowed and empty you no longer play

Death found you months ago

Leaving a hole where in my soul

Death took you from me and I have no where to go

Written by: Emmanuelle-Rose Grace

New Poetry…

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

The Widow

Lying in bed with a broken heart trying to understand why I am the way I am

Looking to the right and staring at a blank wall with nothing to say

Looking to the left and staring at the pictures that once hung there

Happy faces and smiles from time shared gone bye

How do I escape the pain from not having you here?

How do I fill this empty bed where you use to lay?

I feel my throat closing as I try to breathe in the last scent of you

The sheets still hold the faint smell of us

How do I escape the touch I need so much?

How do I free my mind from the prison I sit in now?

Tears stain my red cheeks

Sadness grabs a hold of me

My breathing becomes labored

How can I get you back?

I stare at the ceiling the sun shines through the blinds

But all I feel is the pain of not having you by my side

Tell me how can I live in a world you no longer live in

How can I go on without you?

I will do anything to get you back

But I know the one place I cannot get you from is the one place you belong

I turn to the dark side of the bed and hold the pillows tight

Knowing in heaven you will be alright

Written by:

Emmanuelle-Rose Grace