Tag: darkness

Life lesson

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Last week has been hell and I am so happy for the new week to start. Today spent the day or should I say most of the day playing with the team. I used to love playing the game. I guess sometimes I enjoy it more than others but not nearly as much as I used to. I hardly use it as a coping skill anymore. I used to find farming super relaxing. Now it’s just become a nuisance.

I guess most would assume I played the game so much because I was alone. They never understood the main reason for playing the game. After long years of being sick, I lost all social interactions. The game was a way to learn to speak to people again. After years of being in and out of hospital it became therapeutic. I lost my ability to form sentences while being sick. So playing the game helped me to learn to speak again and learn to be around others. Even though it was completely different from normal interactions, it was still very difficult for me.

Still today trying to say the right words can be difficult. Sometimes I run in circles in the conversation trying to break the loop and people don’t understand why. It’s hard to explain so I just don’t anymore. Most people think they understand and can relate but the truth is you can’t. Unless you have lived my life, you will never truly comprehend what it has felt like. I have met so many people that have said well why don’t you just find yourself a nice man. Without ever understanding that it has taken me years to get this far because I couldn’t even speak words. I am not victim nor do I need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know each day I wake up it is blessing for me. When you have lived in complete darkness, you learn to see the world through a different perspective. You embrace the light in the world. You embrace the happy moments in life. You embrace the small tiny things that make you smile. You embrace the silver lining in everything. You learn to embrace that even though you might not be in the sunshine or under a beautiful rainbow, somewhere in the world there is both. That is truly enough for me to have that strength to hold on and keep moving forward. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed week. May this one be a good week.

Evil is what you are…

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Yesterday another shooter with gun in a “church”. It’s not the guns fault a lunatic decided to shoot a church. It’s not the fault of the gun that a lunatic decided he was going to shoot Christians. It wasn’t the guns fault a lunatic decided to point the gun into people just because they don’t believe his stupid ideology. I am sick and tired of people constantly blaming guns. It’s not the guns. The problem stems from the lack of God in people’s lives. This lunatic decided to do this because they are evil. Evil exists and instead of calling it evil we paint a brush over it calling it mental illness. This isn’t just a mental health problem it’s a problem that is based in a society that has completely forgotten its moral foundation. Our society lacks the basic morals of a functioning society. It saddens me that people use the tag mental health when this is evil. This man was evil, what he did was evil. He has no morals. He has no humanity for the life of other people. He deserves to be in cage all his life and treated like the animal he is. Evil is not mental illness nor is mental illness evil. If you have a mental health issue and decide to not get help but to continue to live in a delusional world, encouraged by people feeding into your delusions, you are evil and so are they. It’s time people start holding this evil accountable and stop blaming everyone in the mental health community. This lunatic is evil and I pray to God that people learn a lesson from this man. He is evil and everyone that encourages this type of behavior is just as evil. #eviliswhatyouare

Scars Fade

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How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?

Each life event we go through as human beings we either learn and grow from that experience. Or we learn nothing and stay in a perpetual state of victimhood. We are all struggling, fighting our own demons or just simply fighting life. It is through these trials that we become stronger and learn from our past mistakes. Not taking the time to learn from our past mistakes will allow us to continue making the same mistakes over and over again. I have learned in life that we must change our perspective, focus on the goals we wish to obtain and let go of the things that we cannot change. Doing this, I have allowed myself to become stronger and not defined by my past. This has also allowed me to be open about my feelings, my sickness and not hide who I am. It’s given me great strength. It has me freed me to be myself. Growing constantly into a better version of myself. It has given me the confidence that I need to be comfortable in my own skin. I may not be perfect, I am extremely flawed and extremely chaotic but I have learned there’s only one like me. Through time life events are like scars, they never really go away, but they fade. They stay a part of you as a lesson, but overtime you can hardly see them.

Not really

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Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.

Well if it has to be someone that I have never met per as without a spiritual connection it would have to be Jesus Christ. He gives me the direction I must go. Fills my heart when I am sad and hopeless. He gives me hope that no matter how dark times maybe He will always be by my side. As for a man not counting Jesus Christ, a few have come and gone that have left impressions and lessons I have learned from them. But to be honest I have never met anyone other than Jesus that has positively influenced my life. Again don’t get me wrong few have come and helped me to grow into a better person. But if I weigh that against how they made me feel or the way the spoke to me or treated me, it would be a hard not enough to justify them being in my life at all.

Child like views

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What does it mean to be a kid at heart?

To view the world in a way a child would. Maybe a little bit naive, maybe a little bit more of a delusional happier way of seeing the world view. That doesn’t mean not seeing the darkness or evil in the world. But also keeping hope that things will change in a more positive direction or eventually workout to a better place than before. Yesterday I was asked if I was granted 3 wishes, I think having said the 3 things I would wish for are very childlike at heart. It probably makes me more naive than others but I have seen enough darkness in my own life that I would rather try to see some beauty or see the world the way a child does which is with endless possibilities.

Living blissfully

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What’s something most people don’t know about you?

What I really am facing each and every single day. They think they know they think they understand but the truth is they have no idea. I won’t share it because it’s pointless because they will never understand nor would they ever truly care to understand. I have family that think they know what I go through they think that. Truth is they don’t and I won’t shatter the illusion they have of me. Let them think what they want. Let them believe what they want. No matter what I do I will never live up to the expectations they have of me. So it’s better to let them live in ignorance because ignorance is bliss and they would rather live there than in reality.

Lost at Sea

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I feel so stupid when we talk. Not because I can’t talk to you but because you make me feel dumb. You say I spin in circles and you are right. I try so hard not to but I am trying to fix that and make it right. I hate the feeling of disappointment I hear in your voice. I hate feeling like no matter what I do you I will never be your choice. I hate that I care. I hate that I become jealous for reasons I can’t explain. I hate that when I talk to you I feel safe. I hate that when I say something you get so mad. I especially hate when you make me laugh. I want to stay mad but can’t. I want to hate you but I can’t. I hate to care and think of you all the time. I know you don’t have feelings but that doesn’t change mine. Lost in the deep sea of reflection. Darkness consuming my mind. Trying to escape in the incoming flood. Lost in the sea of your non existent callous heart. ~Emma~

10 things I believe to be absolutely certain.

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List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain.

List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain

One- I believe without a doubt that there is a God.

Two- I don’t know what life was like before I became sick, but I also don’t know what life is like without my chaos.

Three- People are flawed and you just learn to accept that or move on.

Four- Love can only be felt when you have met and known God. For without knowing God one cannot truly know what love is.

Five- Showing kindness to a stranger can truly change their day.

Six- Falling in love with a face is easy but falling in love with the person’s soul that’s epic.

Seven- Death pardons no one. Cherish each moment in life for it is precious.

Eight- You never stop learning from life. For if one is not learning each day, they will never grow as a person.

Nine- Loyalty cannot be bought.

Ten- Trust is given but once it’s betrayed it will never be the same.

Grateful

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How do you express your gratitude?

Each morning I wake up and thank God for allowing me to wake up. I ask Him to grant me the strength to face the day. At the end of the day before heading to bed I thank God for all the little things. I also thank Him for the big things but especially the little things that I might not give thanks for in my prayer. The way I see it is God is constantly in your day, every single moment of your day, so ofc He knows what you go through. So I might thank Him for one particular thing because I forget when praying at night. So I make sure to include the little things that have slipped my mind and express my gratitude for Him getting me through that moment. We all get overwhelmed by life, other people in our lives, feelings, issues that nag us, things we wish we could change but can’t because it’s beyond our own power. These things make us feel sad, depressed or even just overwhelmed with stress. It is those moments that I lean on God the most. This weekend I was completely hurt by an individual that went out of their way to hurt me. Was it necessary, no it made me feel like crap. I prayed and asked God to give me the strength to not get angry to just move on and He helped me. Am I still hurt of course I am but I am also learning and growing, trying to become a better person. I can’t do that alone, no one can. Even when you are having the worst day in the world and your life is completely in chaos, there is still something to be grateful for. You just need to find it and learn to practice being grateful. It is one of my coping skills and it doesn’t always work but learning to be thankful even for waking up in the morning is a start. It’s something I try to live by and it’s something I try to teach others to use as a coping skill. A thankful heart is one that can always find hope even in the midst of darkness.

Making choices

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Sometimes we try to make things fit together when they don’t belong together. Sometimes we try so hard that we forget somethings were never meant to be. It’s hard to admit, we think we can control things, only to learn we control nothing. It’s something we all must learn the hard way. Either through pain, tears or just experiences. We control nothing but ourselves and even that is hard sometimes. Learning to try and control your emotions, feelings, crazy outbursts or drama is hard. For myself it seems sometimes like a never ending battle to try to gain control of myself. I hate feeling pain and rejection, it’s something no one ever gets used to. Pain you learn to just embrace without letting it drown you. On the other hand rejection makes you feel as though you did something wrong. You ask yourself, what is it about myself that makes me not likable. Sometimes it might be your fault, allowing the wrong people in, allowing people that don’t deserve your love. This isn’t about being better than another person it’s about finding out sometimes some things are not worth fighting for. Time pardons no one and doesn’t wait for one to get their crap together. We must learn to move forward without looking back. It’s okay to learn from our mistakes and grow from them but it’s better to not dwell there. I know how hard it is, I myself am trying my hardest to move forward without looking back. I don’t want to let go but unfortunately like I said before time pardons no one. Life continues to move forward we must learn to do the same. Either we move forward or stay the same, doom to repeat the same mistakes. Have a beautiful weekend. ~Emma~