Tag: bipolar

Hope

Emma the MizfitLeave a comment

It should never shock me how cruel people can be but somehow it always shocks me. In the times we live in, it’s extremely easy to become complacent with our environment. One can become completely desensitized at every thing around them. No matter how evil or horrific the stories we hear, we still live our lives unchanged. Getting up each morning, and moving through life like it’s just another day.

Each morning I create a vlog. I post it on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Facebook. To everyone else it seems dumb and stupid to post the same greeting each time. It goes “Good morning you wonderful amazing beautiful people I hope you woke up thanking God for the wonderful day He has bestowed on upon you.”

Each day it’s the same I change it up but it’s mostly the same greeting each day. I just want to spread words of comfort to anyone who may come across my story. I don’t care if they subscribe, like, or even care about me. I want them to remember to thank God for the beautiful day of life God has given them.

No matter how cruel and evil the world we might live in. I want everyone to start the day with a grateful heart. No matter how small it might be, it will always make a difference in someone else’s day. I might not be the biggest person on TikTok, YouTube or any other platform but for me making those videos not only helps me, they help to speak to others.

Just a simple post to remind others you are not alone. You might feel alone. You might feel lost. You might feel like complete 💩. You might feel helpless. You might feel hopeless. I once felt that way and with each post I hope anyone that comes across them feels my hope. I know I can’t change the world but hopefully they can feel my hope through the screen.

So as I write this I pray that whoever may come across this may find God. God is my hope without Him I would be nothing. He gave me hope when I felt nothing. He gave me hope when I had given up. He gave hope when I declared that my life was worth nothing. He gave me hope and I pray He bestows every single person that comes across my videos or this post, with HOPE.

Times may not always be good but with God there is always hope. So even if every one is cruel and evil, hope for better day. ~Emma~

Letting you in

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What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

The thing I am scared to do the most is to allow people into my heart. Time after time, I have a lot of people in my heart, but never really given my heart away. I built this wall around myself. I know it’s been there. Maybe it’s protecting myself from the bad things that I have experienced.

But as I’ve grown more comfortable being myself, I’ve also learned that in order to truly have a good relationship with another person, you open yourself and be willing to get hurt.

As the years have gone by, I’ve learned to understand what I like about a man while also learning to be more open, act like a grownup and learning a relationship is a partnership you give and take but always have each other’s backs. I wanna be honest, I wanna connect intellectually. I want to feel more than just a connection.

I want him to teach me new things while also learning how to grow together as one. This has been a scary thought for many years. I have thought I had fallen but the truth is I always hid a piece of myself and was never really honest. I hope the day comes I can find someone to be myself around.

One of those days

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I am going to get my nails done today. I am attending a costume party later in the week. Today I woke up knowing I was just in one of my moods. I am grateful to God that today I get to get up, but it doesn’t change the feeling of being in one of those moods. I won’t dwell in the feeling and I will still force myself to go get my nails done. But I hate the days I wake up this moody. Just one of those days. 🤷‍♀️

Chasing you? Nope that’s a hard pass!

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Disappointed is some thing I have become very familiar with. Just when you start to feel comfortable around people you find out that they are complete jerks. You want to try to do your best, you wanna to fit in but when you realize that you don’t, it’s doesn’t seem to matter as much. As I have gotten older I realize that I’m more comfortable in my skin. As time flows by I realize that the people that I want in my life, won’t ask to be in it. If you don’t want to be in my life, leave. I will never ask you to be in it. If you feel that you want to leave, I am not going to hold you back. I want you to be able to want to stay. I don’t want to be second place, I don’t wanna be the default choice I want to be the one that you choose. If you can’t do that, and if you feel like you’re missing out then by all means walk away. If you think that I’m going to sit here and beg you to stay, you’re wrong. I’m an extremely loyal person and if I can’t get that loyalty back, I don’t want you in my life. It’s not about making the wrong choices. It’s about knowing my worth and I know I am worthy of being loved and being happy. Surrounded by people that want to be with me. Surrounded by people that love me for me. Surrounded by people that accept me for me.

People are like seasons, in the summer you feel the heat of some peoples love. In the winter, you feel the chill and cold you see the real face of people that hide it so much to not show. In the spring, you might find the warmth of the sun that makes you think people can change. Like a rose that is blooming. But just like the autumn season, you see the beautiful colors of change and right before winter the leaves die, the flowers die, and everything dies right before the cold of winter. People are exactly the same way. You may never get to see their real cold side. You may never get to see the blooming rose in the spring and you may never feel the heat of summer, but you definitely get to feel the autumn right before the winter when everything has died.

Some things need to be let go of, I won’t hold you to your word. I won’t even try to win you back. I won’t even try to talk to you to reason with you. Because in the end I chose me. And my choice, I chose to walk away. Because in the end you are not worth fighting for. If you feel, I am not worth fighting for I think we are exactly where we are supposed to be. On the opposite of friendship. You make time for the people who mean something to you. Let this be a lesson to learn that letting go or walking away is more powerful than being surrounded by snakes.

I wish you the best always ~Emma~

Reminder: Mental Health Awareness

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As I have said before May is Mental Health Awareness Month. This is a list of things that have helped me. I hope they help you. You are not alone.

Also trying to be a better version of yourself doesn’t mean you are weak.

Learning to forgive others for what they have done for you, only makes you feel stronger.

Self care is something we all must do. If you don’t take care of yourself no one else will either.

Therapy is a tool to be used not ignored.

I want to encourage everyone that kindness goes a long away.

Coping skills are there to remind you, how to deal with issues.

Praying is one of the greatest ways to heal and find true peace.

Working out helps to make you feel good and give you the confidence you need.

Healthy eating is a way for you to take out the food that makes you feel down. Don’t eat anything that will make you feel sluggish. Don’t eat anything that will make you feel regret. Only eat and drink things that will help you to feel good about yourself. Not to mention that when eating healthy foods you also gain clarity. Stay away from junk food.

Remember journaling is way to put your thoughts down on paper. Even if it feels pointless the thought has been written and maybe now you can let it go.

If you experience any thoughts about self deleting please call for help or ask for help. People are not mind readers and don’t know what is going on. So please do seek help because you are not alone.

Last but not least remember God isn’t just the Creator. He can be your partner, your friend, your guide, your anchor through your life. If you truly need someone always there God is the perfect companion for you.

Life lesson

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Last week has been hell and I am so happy for the new week to start. Today spent the day or should I say most of the day playing with the team. I used to love playing the game. I guess sometimes I enjoy it more than others but not nearly as much as I used to. I hardly use it as a coping skill anymore. I used to find farming super relaxing. Now it’s just become a nuisance.

I guess most would assume I played the game so much because I was alone. They never understood the main reason for playing the game. After long years of being sick, I lost all social interactions. The game was a way to learn to speak to people again. After years of being in and out of hospital it became therapeutic. I lost my ability to form sentences while being sick. So playing the game helped me to learn to speak again and learn to be around others. Even though it was completely different from normal interactions, it was still very difficult for me.

Still today trying to say the right words can be difficult. Sometimes I run in circles in the conversation trying to break the loop and people don’t understand why. It’s hard to explain so I just don’t anymore. Most people think they understand and can relate but the truth is you can’t. Unless you have lived my life, you will never truly comprehend what it has felt like. I have met so many people that have said well why don’t you just find yourself a nice man. Without ever understanding that it has taken me years to get this far because I couldn’t even speak words. I am not victim nor do I need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know each day I wake up it is blessing for me. When you have lived in complete darkness, you learn to see the world through a different perspective. You embrace the light in the world. You embrace the happy moments in life. You embrace the small tiny things that make you smile. You embrace the silver lining in everything. You learn to embrace that even though you might not be in the sunshine or under a beautiful rainbow, somewhere in the world there is both. That is truly enough for me to have that strength to hold on and keep moving forward. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed week. May this one be a good week.

Fighting

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It’s been a struggle for me the last few months with the ups and downs of the bipolar. I have decided again to try and find another therapist and try to find another group therapy to get into. I know I was doing much better during that time period but the program was cut because of funds. Ofc as we know mental health is the first program that get cut in the health industry. Especially when the state is making decisions as to where money goes. It’s been something I have struggled with for the last 2 years mainly because of the fact that my psychiatrist of many years died in 2020 and my therapist died two years ago. Bipolar ppl don’t deal good with changes and this year losing my another good therapist due to funding in hospital program along with my group therapy that I attended weekly. Adding the loss of my dog, uncle and losing friends. So for a few months the lack of therapy has definitely taken a toll and finally I have no choice but to try and find myself both. Without any therapy I will end up spiraling completely out of control so I know I must get back to the basics and find another. Unfortunately it’s not easy and exhausting to constantly look for another group or even just a good therapist. I write this blog to vent my frustrations with just the whole process and lack of help that is out there for myself and ppl like me. People wonder why there is such a crisis when it comes to mental health, I don’t. I know the main problems but unfortunately I cannot solve them. I have tried endlessly to speak out but no one actually wants to help the mental health community or the effects it has on people. They just don’t care. As in life we must choose to either get ourselves up or let life devour us. I know my story seems silly but unfortunately it’s the truth. I at least have my faith in God which is unwavering. So I know in the end I still hold onto hope. I hope if you read this and have no hope you find some strength inside yourself, ask God for help but do ask for help. hope you have a blessed weekend.

Myself

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When are you most happy?

I am the most happiest when I am able to be myself comfortably and completely without having to constantly say I am sorry for being myself. It’s not easy having bipolar, I tend to repeat things and go in circles a lot. I use coping skills and try to constantly remind myself to not do it but I do fail at times. So it’s nice when I can just be myself without worrying about wasting someone’s time. I can actually say I don’t get to be that happy most of the time. The world is constantly asking for people to be themselves but the truth is when it comes to mental health it’s still a topic no one truly wants to understand. Instead they would rather ignore the person or the problem. So I am forced a lot of the time to not speak in order to contain myself. Even around the people I feel the most comfortable with, I am still forced to not be myself. I guess I hope one day I can find someone I can be myself with. If that day comes cool if it doesn’t it’s because it was never meant to be. Someone told me a few days ago faith is my thing not theirs, and yes it is. I believe the Creator of the Universe has a purpose for each person. He removes things in your life for a reason. Is it faith to believe that the path I walk on, is something I might have to walk alone without a man possibly. But I am never alone, I have God with me so it’s okay to accept that journey with just Him by my side. Because regardless if no one ever can truly make feel comfortable or love me being myself God does. He loves everything about me and accepts me the way I am. For me that is all I need.

Drive by The Cars

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Who’s gonna tell you when
It’s too late?

Who’s gonna tell you things
Aren’t so great?

You can’t go on, thinking
Nothing’s wrong, oh no
Who’s gonna drive you home
Tonight?

Who’s gonna pick you up
When you fall?

Who’s gonna hang it up
When you call?

Who’s gonna pay attention
To your dreams?

Yeah who’s gonna plug their ears
When you scream?

You can’t go on, thinking
Nothing’s wrong, oh no
Who’s gonna drive you home
Tonight?

(Bye, bye, bye)

(Bye, bye, bye)
(Bye, bye, bye)
(Bye, bye, bye)

Who’s gonna hold you down
When you shake?

Who’s gonna come around
When you break?

You can’t go on, thinking
Nothing’s wrong, oh no
Who’s gonna drive you home
Tonight?

Oh, you know you can’t go on, thinking
Nothing’s wrong
Who’s gonna drive you home
Tonight?